Lexy Land

last one for a while . . .

2007-08-02T08:14:00.000Z

Ok off to Hospital again today in pain as usual. Don’t want to bore you but I have some real strong pain in my lower back right on my left hand bum and it kills. The good news for you all was the CT scan I had last week. The doctors found there were no new lesions on the Brain – yay!! This is great news!!
And no larger lesions on the bones which also added a bonus – a bit of something going on above the right breast though so the new thing going on –I go in today for the permijernate for the cover of the bones as they haven’t had anything for a while and I am in chronic pain right now for the last two nights which I cannot get rid off-and next Wednesday after they have had a look at the CT scan properly they will start the chemo after on Wednesday. This should be such good news but even now the pain is really hurting on my left side and I just don’t know what to do with it. I must say that being on one level after the weekend should totally help as I can’t even shower, its so painful, getting up stars is impossible..
Oh yeah and this is the new way in..
34 Moffat Court
Gap Road
Wimbledon
SW19 8JB
(1o min walk from wimbledon central)

Ok. I have pain. I don’t know what to take but morphine will start and lovely Colin will take me to hospital at midday for more morphine soon. Will try to survive hahaha xxxxx

hospital today . .

2007-07-25T08:48:00.000Z

Today I’m off to see the CT scan and will lie on a big table again. I think my head is pounding a bit more – bollox! I really want it to lease off some, as my stomach has reduced down so much and has so helped with my attitude and feeling how I stand – but the head itself is talking – I’m ignoring it! My ankles get sore, and then I can’t walk and – I don’t know its annoying and painful.

Poor Gemma also has a disease called;
Mé·nière's disease n. A pathological condition of the inner ear characterized by dizziness, ringing in the ears, and progressive loss of hearing. Also called Ménière's syndrome.

So we are both drug filled, and dizzy brained – nothing new – HAHAHAH!!

The flat is being helpfully and wonderfully done, yesterday the carpets by Shaun, and all my lovely friends from work like Lesley, her Husband David and, Julie and Ricky, I can’t wait as I can’t get upstairs here at all and am so desperate to move to one floor. Once the kitchen is done I’ll be able to feed everyone and kids, and can get in there for all other bits of equipment. I can’t sit on the bath however and hope I can get a quick shower unit going ASAP. Although lots of things have been LOST and I can’t find the little box that goes onto the computer (can’t guess who might have lost that!) and so can’t copy the camera that I want to and show you the tattoos! I have to try later.
Thanks Louise, had that joke already! Hope you are well, and you like the t-shirt enough to wear it – did I send you 2?

Ok pain is always up, going in an hour, see ya’ll laters.
xxx

we are going to the Theatre!

2007-07-17T16:06:00.000Z

Sorry its been so long-but its been so busy – yes just stick to this address everyone who is sending stuff and I have a question – we have over a thousand for Breast Cancer Campaign but was wondering if a few hundred could go to St. Georges for a new chair which they use for the cancer sufferers?? They have big green moving sofa chairs, of which I’m sure they would be very grateful? It would feel some money would be quite local though so any thoughts? Thank you for any money being sent, and any work people who want some please let me know as I can send them in as only ten or so left!

Ok, my worries are chemo pains – enough of that though! They did gratefully put my steroids down from 6 tablets to 4 and I’m waiting for some of this excess to come down. Its been five days now and I promised that, have egged it out a bit wider during the day, but am happy I’ve managed to stop some stressing of the stomach. I’ve even had an awful stress mark that just appeared and I was so annoyed.

The tattoo day was wonderful! I need pictures, but I was a bit slow and forgot the camera! Everyone looks wonderful, but I got major pain at 2am on Sunday morning and was stupid! So both pains again, are starting with me, but maybe next week I’ll be better after having lots of morphine!! On around 260 mg a day now which just makes everything else not work, so I don’t get drunk and just very tired!

I like chocolate though, and just sleep during Big Brother until the morning! Who really hates Charley?? So deluded!! She really thinks she’s popular when everyone is saying nothing – I have to love the ‘couch’ show. Charley doesn’t see it herself and is so boring when she starts talking, it doesn’t make any sense! So funny!!

Anyway, off to see Caius who is staring as Captain Hook tonight at School in which Alli, Colin and Sarah are coming to watch :-) !!! What with Saskia winning her 400metre race I've a huge run of winners!!! Awesome!!

laters xx

Help needed!!

2007-07-09T08:09:00.000Z

Yesterday’s blog seems a bit of confusion! It is Monday and I’ve signed for the flat, and started painting. I have lovely volunteer’s from Colin, 2 Sarah’s and Alli and have made good progress so off to get some more paint – mainly plain off white is going down well, found the bathroom on special offer the day after I had bought it and no-one in Homebase had bothered to tell me! Pigrats! My ‘suede’ effect one is just looking bumpy so not sure what to do there, maybe Sarah witchy will blow the paper off so we can paint it better on the one wall, I just don’t want to make more time if I course a problem.

Anyway, enough of that, anymore for polazoo jollies as I need to sell some more t-shirts you tight arsed barstards! Nice one :-)

I’m off to hospital Wed/Thurs this week, but hope the weekend won’t be as bad as last time as it’s the trip to Ruth on Saturday. we are setting off at 8 am to get to Dorking by 9am. I really don’t understand stuff, as Joe asked me to tattoo him, but thought he meant just the drawing of it, and spent about 6 text messages last night trying to explain it to me! I mean it guys, please give me a call if you need something or a quick word as text messages don’t make a lot of sense to me!! I am getting a lot better, I think, but when I didn’t talk right yesterday and needed some food I insisted to SarahSP that the radiators were ‘champagne’ – obviously wishful thinking!

Due for Marg at end of week to help the packing and hope that some more big strapping boys might be around for next Sunday painting if they are back tee hee :-)

x x x x

Painting starts...

2007-07-05T16:28:00.000Z

But please don’t all end up laden with brushes hehehe! I’ve seen some major paint pots over the years and should be choosing some today, hope they still do my glitter OOPS- I did actually already steal that from SaraW who now will know!! I have bought some off white for hall and ceilings, still got to choose one main for some, but we can start, and Homebase is only round the corner.

My pain is much better this morning, I hope it stays away, I really do. My attitude and anger is getting so bad with the feeling of being so hemmed in, I know everyone is helping, but I do feel like I’m not in control. Control freak hahahahah!
Thanks for everyone’s help though. I’m trying to chill out and still paint and move things on, I’ve also got 2 days at St Georges next week, I will be able to get a cab there as usual, but am worried about getting to the Doctors and getting my filled in drugs that would normally been delivered. I’ve got to call them amongst a lot of others.
Off to cook something simple for a change.
X

lumps and bumps

2007-07-02T09:59:00.001Z

Gosh I look like someone else so much! Sarah has cut my hair lovely and tidy, was so kind of her, just looks like someone else!

The last week has had so much going on, like Gemma’s Birthday YAY! And we went to a wonderful tapas in the High Street of Croydon which was delicious! Now I’m making a cake for the kids and shopping, not after I did fall over around 4am at home! Soppy ass(me), I’ve a bruised knee now from a drip in the corner of the room of the kitchen and at 4am it was dark! Another to add to the list of falling over.

Been very pain filled with the 3 things they gave me, but I don’t really want to go on about them. It’s hopefully working now as I’m feeling happy today, and Margaret has got the first in a tattoo for me! This is it and I think as her first tat in a lot of years I am so impressed! We are all going to my favourite in Dorking, Eternal Tattoo’s where Ruth is doing mine very early in the morning and mine is bigger than that! Going to have a Celtic design around the edge of my A but generally all my friends wanted an A design and came up with this almost like a mixture with a wing or something, anyway we are getting them on the 14th July in 2 weeks and I’m so excited for my ink hehehehe.

OH! I've just noticed another lump on my wrist, the left one this time, I wonder if its from falling over the other night, as I've only just noticed it. Oh bloody fucking hell, lumps and ink I should call myself!

Ok last news you all want is the flat, which once we’ve cried, worried, looked and hoped that Saskia has turned herself around then it looks like we have a nice little ground floor flat facing Wimbledon Cemetery!! HA! Looks like I don’t have to worry about where I was supposed to be going now!!!! So worry about the lumps and bumps no more, we have tapas and - well I need more music! My phone seems to not work!

xxxx

Eight Pounds

2007-06-26T07:43:00.000Z

All this for the pricely little sum of £8 (or near offer) to charity. They come in S, M, and L so either come along or email me at alexa.burrows@gmail.com and I'll sort a post out to you. I have those that are saved in a corner aswell.

The end of last week with all the drugs finishing has given me alot of sleep and pain, but I am trying to work through a day - you know what I'm like - I only did a little hoovering, some sewing, a clean up - I forget the rest! But I was tired last night, fell asleep in front of telly around Heroes and woke up in pain at half one! Took LOTS of morphine tee hee.. Heroes, Supernatural and Medium are all my favourite right now, and Frasier wakes me up. Saw (illegally so shush) the 3rd Shrek, and loved it if you have any idea to go, worth every penny (not that I paid one ooops)!

I've lots other People to write too, including cousins/family/friends and people I don't know but are so very kind - however one lady a long time ago had written from Scotland to offer God like services, I didn't want to tell her my God ends with a "ESS" :-) who is perfect

x x x x

Thank You for thanks yous!

2007-06-24T12:59:00.000Z

Thank you all for your replies to Palooza, Inertia Bloom are great perhaps that’s why I thought I’d heard them all the time, and yes Dre, that was weird, I actually called your name at someone thinking it was you, didn’t think that £5 was too much money for anyone especially with time to save up!?!

Anyway, my week was SO busy as I had Wednesday to have bloods done and see Flora the Doc, and my Consultant who was very nice and kind and they both are so into how well I’m doing. Then Thursday, I managed to get into the new Cab company which now only cost £1.50 for me to get to the Hospital (yaya) and I went up for the whole lot of drugs!! Chemo for cancer, permigernate for bones, and then on Friday Colin took me to the Marsden for Radiotherapy for my back where I got zapped for ten minutes. We had lunch but I could feel my body getting it all, and on Saturday I woke with a clicking sound in the back of my calf muscles and now don’t want to move from the house as I sound very noisy and pain filled. I feel ok, just need to rest a lot with feet up. Have to fight what we watch with Saskia as she hasn’t been well yesterday and didn’t go to the Stagecoach arggghhhh!!! She seems much better today but had bad stomach ache yesterday. I never used to get poorly for a day but at least she’s better, and she never wants to stop school. She is helping a lot right now as I can’t walk very well, my legs sound funny! She’s cooking eggs and bacon yay.

Oh and please people don’t keep asking me about the house/flat.

Going now to rest if it bloody kills me - oops ahhahahha!

Lexapalooza 2007

2007-06-19T12:29:00.000Z

Me and Sam (sweaty)!!

First I had our lovely surprise guest, Get Cape Wear Cape Fly, who started off the day, in a wonderful way. He is now a great favourite of mine, and played wonderful. He had to shoot off quickly to the Wireless Festival and those who didn’t show up early missed such a treat.
The place was decorated by the great Team DanEvan, who were Rocks, and all my wonderful mates made sure we got there despite a huge downpour of rain.
The bands all played on time, and played fantastically. I have some new cd’s from Hinterland and PRE, and a new one from the Melody Nelson give all for me to listen too-they sold them with half to the charity too. I needed new music! The attitude was great, and everyone was so nice. One guy had a problem until he found out some information about Breast Cancer Campaign from me, then he was cool and cuddly!
After Sam played, In Search of Apollo rocked everyone, and they all loved them, Adam Boucher came quickly after that, then Inertia Blooms, who I have heard before – is it on XFM ?? (we? REALLY must tell XFM them about our myspace) Maddox Ford came next then Parke Davis, my friends from home town. They have new Ian on board and played intensely well. Hugs all round, I tried to get a pic of every band, and a pic of me with each, didn’t work out!!
Gene Loves Jezebel leaped aboard, only Jay and James as Pete does live up north! Thanks though boys, as I loved to hear Gorgeous played and old stuff off Promise, including seeing them all and making new fan friends! Love you loads Jay, and great to see Jo, Cait and MJ along with.
Elixir next, who may have changed name (can’t remember what!) and then Public Relations Exercise (who I love, also from Leicester – so brilliant and good to see them down here for the first time since last year)
In fact I’m mainly annoyed I didn’t get to spend enough time with each band, and to video them, hope that Chris H did a lot of taping!!
The Melody Nelson had been picked out by ex C, who had said he liked them, so I was pleased to have them free for me when its under his nose (I just told him that someone nice had said everyone did this because I’m so lovely – very kind of him to say, but C turned round and said ‘they should have checked out with me first- har har’ and made me cry for an hour (thanks, you had 2 kids with me, was mean as a cunt, and lived of me for years- but I’m not lovely? I’m so upset I’m still in a state and crying!)
Hinterland went on until midnight and really fucking rocked, they rule! We didn’t go for a dj, it was going to cost, but everyone was sweet and took a while to tidy, and we ended up a handful at mine to drink and talk about the evening. It made the whole night go well, and Sunday even ruled as we sat outside the William Morris in the warm weather.

This is the ultimate Lexapalooza 2007 photobucket of the day, its not too pretty but has most of them on it.

Parke Davis

Hinterland

Public Relations Excercise

Me and Jay
some pics for you...

Nearly there..

2007-06-15T19:36:00.000Z

We are ready for tomorrow from here - its so huge now that I've shed a few tears this morning at everyone who has done so much work, and thank you so much to tell me to do nothing but sit down all day. So I'm hoping I get there in one piece, and will park my bum. Here are some pics of Colin who did all the artwork making a spray on backdrop for behind the bands with Caius helping in the Garden yesterday. I will take alot of pics tomorrow and probably try to get down on the photobucket I have after. Be great to see the ones who are coming, see you early as there will be lots of Get Cape fans around and they are very popular at 2.30pm!!!

love x x x x

Birthday Bellies!!

2007-06-13T01:28:00.000Z

Sorry gals! lol! was a lovely day thought, thank you all for presents, champagne, flowers, chocolates and kisses, thank you very much! This shit still gives me a furry mouth but I'm coping with chocolate I hope! Now I'm awake and don't want to go to sleep so expect Mum will be mad with me when I don't wake up tomorrow eh! Thursday is Marsden! Saturday is - well you know, and some cape is invited, but not sure how much I'm allowed to say - but very excited! The Girls are thinking about pushing me on a wheelchair. NOW...I'm very understanding about why I might need one, during the day I tend to sit alot and it might be needed. But once I'm sitting I think I'll be ok - or not do they think? Just confused. Once I'm quite all is good, not sure how i'll be when hustled, but mainly I'm just worried I'll be embarrassed to be around a big busy place with a wheelchair!

hmmmmmm......get a cape? I really should sleep!

its my bday!

2007-06-12T07:28:00.000Z

Well I’m 39 today – can’t say I feel too bad ah? Gotta really! Waiting for Sainsbury’s this morning as I remembered the list of stuff I needed (must have spent about £150 by now for visitors!). Also the kids managed to break stuff at the caravan, the worst behaved ever, and we ate all the chocolates and biscuits!! So sweet presents everywhere!

Pain is in the knees and has just taken an few hours to go since I took the tablets, bit concerned I’ve taken them twice this morning but I hope I didn’t take two.

Gotta find something nice to wear for the day to frill the day, the best bit as a new wig I’m waiting for, I really hope it comes today and I don’t have to wait all day just for one thing, its long and nearly black I really hope it looks good for the weekend.

Jules and Ali that used to play with C also have rolled up this week, which is GREAT! Jules said he’s working over in America later in the summer at a Lollapalooza band, which I’ve asked him to take a t-shirt for Perry to wear to show how great we look tee hee :-) – how cool would that look!!??

4 DAYS TO GO!

Gotta Tan!

2007-06-11T09:01:00.000Z

I’m back on a Monday and had a great time, so relaxing and wonderful I’m totally replenished. I didn’t manage to get my legs in the water but am feeling out of pain for the first time ever, my mouth is full of thrush though, yuck!! This chemo is the opposite to the rest, seems to go in and get worse as time goes along, where the others were bad and then got better! Feeling better now as we have gone on a week and a half and hope this second week will bring me some pain relief and a good lead up to Lexapalooza for my Party and money for this shit inside me chewing me up!

Gotta first somehow sort out the pills which have, as usual, been made some hash of, the chemist doesn’t have it, or something, and the doctor has to write it again, whilst I can’t go out until Sainsbury’s have given me the food I ordered, but even that I got half way through and forgot any bloody cereal, so got part two tomorrow like!!

I’ve had two calls last Friday, so now have the Marsden on Thursday for the back pain I think, and Friday to go to St Georges, so 2 days in hospital this week now, and tomorrow I think I’ve got something to do ! Had a wonderful sleep to start the week though, as such a lovely weekend as I’ve taken a few pics for you – not as great as the Download ones I bet would have been – wish I could have gone to that!!

GOING. . .

2007-06-08T11:17:00.000Z

OFFFFFF
on holiday to the Sea side, I think I should move there eh?
x x x

just in case . .

2007-06-06T18:08:00.000Z

You didn't know yet - Thought I'd make sure you know where you can all come and laugh at how steroid fat i've become, and then we can get some cider down us!!

I've just found CRAZYHEAD - well Ian found me (about time!!). SO excited and happy that all my old friends from years ago have suddenly turned up - even my RockChicSarah who was missing for years turned up emotionally two years back just as I was scarely in hospital again...AND boys I had better be on top list after all these years!

Feeling alot less pain today, I had extra healing yesterday from my healers and am having my usual Wednesday tonight as I was in so much pain up to yesterday. I'm hoping to make it to Lexapalooza, the badges have arrived and are fucking great, and can't wait to see the t-shirts (cost £4 each, selling for £8 for the extra to charity) and will put one on once they arrive. So managing to ease the morphine I think right now as I am going near Brighton for the weekend. They haven't changed any pain drugs Lou, other than making more of it, so am around 100mg of morphine and more if it hurts, and I drink it like strongbow! However since I came home from Hospital on Thursday evening, I've not been able to go out at all, hardly even up the stairs at all, until today, where I've actually made it upstairs to the toilet 5 times AND the bath today. Lets see how long this lasts??

x x x

BLAH. . blah . .

2007-06-05T14:43:00.000Z

I am quite astounded by the attitude that the ‘council’ brings on when you have to ask for help or stuff with life. I’ve worked for our wonderful local community for five years and have been told by our personally voted for ‘human being’ to ‘accept’ the first offered flat to me as it is the best I’ll get. Does this sound threatening? I can barely think about the years I’ve spent working and the fact that I’m a Forty year old woman with two older children who needs certain criteria for the first asked for return. I’ve seen better places, and need certain things, but I don’t think I should be embarrassed to ask for these, I’m not a nasty grabber, I have money for paint and friends to offer the help but have NO way that my 60 year old DAD should re-build a house or flat for me before I can move in. I MUST have a decent basis from which to live. This was my first available offer that is ground floor, but totallyun-inhabitable. It has already been rejected by the first people that were offered it. It even states that there has to be a let-able standard for each property, and suitable for my needs.

That over the rest of my blog is how much pain I’ve been on, so that’s also a pile of pooh! Some more morphine has helped, well actually the original amount that was missing from the blister pack. The side effects from the latest chemo I started last week involves me not walking up the stairs, pain in my hips and all down my legs, and a big pudgy face!! Ha!

The best is here of course as the Lexapalooza is going to really fucking rock.
YOU HAVE TO COME…

you're not allowed to leave!!

2007-05-29T12:15:00.000Z

Last Tuesday I took a 5.30 dash to the floor via my chin. Poor Saskia had to mop the remaining blood before I dared to tell Suzie that falling over in the afternoon was my new favourite passion! She and Gemma came after tea, and although it was swollen and bloody, we didn’t visit the hospital until the next day. The pain woke me around 2 am the next day. I managed to get to A&E by 6 am. Luckily with Suzie, we had time on our side and spent the rest of the day in various different areas of examination. I was there until Friday night and my final little landslide are two hundred milligrams of morphine, 600 milligrams of Sodium Valproate and some prochlorperazine just for a safety measure. Bugger to the paracetamol now, we prefer something more hardcore.

Suddenly at 2 am, the pain in back stoped and everything seems to be a lot better. I’m booked into the hospital from early next Wednesday morning, and have come home Friday afternoon. Meanwhile, flat’s available are coming up, people’s enquires are to let you all know, off back to hospital tomorrow morning for another set of tests that might provide some other answers for my madness, but finding it hard to deal with right now! The kids are off to stay with the Burrows for the rest of the week whilst I go to hospital from now on until I hopefully sleep some more.

LEXAPALOOZA is going to rock. It is my birthday/ party and is going to raise a lot of money for Breast Cancer Campaign. Evan and Dani have been doing a lot of hard work so please click on the My Space and you can find all the info for buying stuff and coming along to the best festival in Europe on the 16th of June, 2007.

email us if you need anything at
lexapaloozafestival@gmail.com

x x x

karma..

2007-05-18T17:23:00.000Z

Had a wierd and pain filled day mostly, and met Ruth from the Hospice to discuss my pain and what we can do. They reckon I should take 70mg of morphine twice a day to stop the pain that seems to come on in the early mornings, some time as early as half four, and then I might not wake up with such pain. This may then help the pain in the head that seems to also push the pressure in my head around 10.30am that then can make it really difficult to just be alive during the morning. Its hard just to make a 'day' at all, with the pain making my head feel like it swells. As the nurse didn't leave until 12.15 I was very headache filled by then, and made cheese on toast with some salad, and couldn't get outside to go to Boots and get cakes in starbucks, and had to lay down after eating to make the pain in my head and legs go away. I managed to get to the corner shops for chocolate, and after Sarah left I fell asleep. The best thing I could have done! I dropped a glass of cider over myself (haha) and went back to sleep until nearly 5 which was fucking great! I'm regenerated and can actually feel alive now. Its Friday, and I'm not energetic enough to go anywhere but can at least feel like a conversation instead of just a sob and poke in the eye!

If I can just stop the pain a bit, then I can walk around during the day, the last 4 days have been just unable to move. Maybe got some nice lunch or something with Brendan tomorrow, that will be nice, although I feel like hiding to be honest. A scarf over my head that will do it.
x

whizz,bang, wallop. . .

2007-05-17T09:43:00.000Z

Feeling a bit better - I think! My wrist hurts, more than it did, and I’m not sure if I want to do the next thing they are offering which is to slice off some of the skin and put in a metal rod. Sounds quite cool, but I’ll be in hospital for three days and I’ll be finished with a big arm all filled up with metalness. I’m not sure about it, so I’m leaving it for about 3 months, but it’s hurting a bit already. My back they’ve decided to do some radiotherapy to, so that shouldn’t be too bad visually anyway. It won’t annoy the tattoos I suppose but the one on the arm will be sliced about, although Mr Bernard was nice and said he would try to go round the tattoo for me! Anyway whilst I was there on Monday I got quite upset, with the whole taking steroids stuff. You all know how I hate putting on weight, and hate taking the steroids, so was angry when I realised that I really needed to up my intake at the moment. So where I’ve slowly gone down over ages to take one tablet a day, I spoke to Flora about having more steroids per day to make me behave better. My attitude was ‘if I put up with it I’ll be happier and that will make me better all round’ but its not making me better. My words don’t make sense, and it all worries me when I don’t understand what I’m doing.

So from Monday I’ve been taking 3 steroids and Gail from the hospice is coming tomorrow to check I’m doing ok. I’m not happy about it, but I’m still here. It seems to be being a bit better sometimes, but my head aches are still sore, even if not so powerful. Just walking to the front door to get the post can ring round my head like its running.

I’m not off to the doctors for some weeks and I hope I’m doing the right thing at the end of the day. My mediums told me last night that I mustn’t worry about the time – that’s what I worry about – time running out for me. Not only am I fat and a proper ugly Betty with huge bloated cheeks, I’m stupid with words, and very irritated and all I really want to do is get fucked (drunk or something I dunno!!). I’ll probably eat loads, put a movie on, and accidentally fall asleep for the afternoon!

X

crazy.z.z.

2007-05-15T18:14:00.000Z

Madness, and stuff. Couldn't really talk alot, and my brain seems to be mashing around at the moment. Needless to say I've got to try and take some more steriods to try and make my brain behave normally before I go totally crazy.
I'll let you know how it goes....x

It took some time...

2007-05-08T20:29:00.000Z

..but it wasn't my fault! Something was going wrong on the machine, and I couldn't blog, but I'm finally here, and now I just want to sleep.

Tomorrow I'm in the hospital early, then its see Flora, get chemo, and home to do face up before we go to the House of Lords. Talking of which, I need to really go to bed soon. Will try to get on after I get home tomorrow with some photos on.

ttfn x

some things never change. . .

2007-05-01T07:53:00.000Z

I know it’s been a while, but I just got fed up writing! Saturday was eventful, I was early up to get some milk from the shop, luckily I went down by the river way, and managed to fall on my face whilst I walked around the corner at 10.30am! My face is already plumped with steroids, and now is red and cut with a head butt to the floor! I just lay there crying until a nice man came out from his house and picked me up (which took two tries) and washed me with a huge bottle of water and a whole roll of kitchen roll. I calmed down, the blood stopped, and I still managed to get to the shop for the milk.

Luckily Saskia tried out Stagecoach in the afternoon. She was there for a few hours, and we paid £50 for her to try out two weeks in drama, dance and singing. She thoroughly enjoyed it and made friends with everyone she told us. I’m so happy that we can now afford her to go, and she is looking forward to going again on Saturday.

Saturday night we had lots of broken glass, which then cut my feet! And Sunday I took Caius to do some more pottery at the Mills which he does so wonderfully. They now have a new way of bringing home anything that’s well made, and you can paint it at home and keep it. They may not be as strong as the fired stuff, but he did so much nice stuff we still kept another 4 items that he can paint. His friend Jordan did it with him who had slept over, so everyone had nice time and mates round.

Well, Monday I had to go to see a new flat from the council, yes flat. Apart from the fact I was listed as needing ‘ground floor’ the first place I’ve been offered is a 3rd floor flat.

Then I had to have a MRI scan, which was told to me on Friday afternoon, and when I arrived they told me I had to have ALL piercings removed. Well, I can’t actually get two of them out! ANNOYED! The doctor could see the piercing on the x-ray and didn’t even mention it, not to mention my lip piercing quite noticeably. So now I have to go and find some piercing place to remove them.

The plus side was finding Sarah Rock Chic – last week I saw Kim, a friend I used to work in a book shop with about 15 years ago, she knows lots of cool rock stars, and we had fun at the book shop, and both had lost Sarah for the last few years. Wierdly enough, Kim was going to a pub in Barnes, which she walked straight into the face of Sarah who was working there quite by chance! SO WEIRD AND SMALL WORLD!
We cried – a lot and she came over yesterday for the first time in like 2 years since I saw her last. She remembers an evening I fell over and broke my front tooth whilst chasing her (worried about her!) and I don’t think the tequila helped at that time, just shows some things never change eh?

x

Higher Hearts

2007-04-25T07:23:00.000Z

I’ve been awake since 3.41 this morning but will try to right this! Lou I’m taking capecitabine at the moment which I have 4 in the morning, and 4plus 2 small ones in the evening, with or after food. Yes it doesn’t seem to have many harsh effects, I’m quite tired, sleep arratically, and what mainly kept me awake was pain this morning. The pain is in the hip and top leg areas from the bone, I’m having x-ray’s on Friday in St. George’s to see how the progression is and what they might do to it to prevent a fracture. I have fallen over around 3 times this week, once was rather wild in front of a bus during the Camden Crawl (irony) on Friday, and yesterday just trying to go into the garden with some washing! My legs just seem to give way, I feel a bit weak, and they just plop me over, like they usually do! I’m scared that this is the last type of chemo they will give me and I’ve still not got my place yet – although news there I’ve been offered a place – but it’s a 2nd floor flat in the middle of Mitcham! I’m far too scared to go on a second floor, the doctor notes clearly stated I must be offered a ground floor property, but I’m going to look at it on Monday, otherwise I feel like I’m being ungrateful if I don’t at least look at it. I feel more aware now that I am more top of the list, however the better property would have been the one in Phipps Bridge I bid on in Ewhurst Court as its right near a lot of friends that could help if I fell ill or needed myself or the children looking after. I’m going to hope!

Saskia is finally being forced to go to the school after club, of which she hasn’t joined in since the hairdressing teacher left to have a baby. She needs to join the drama club to stand a good chance at the Brits, but she stopped going for ages, mainly due to being turned away with lack of teacher. Caius has a list of potential after school, which he chooses taekwondo or art/craft. But really neither of them has been very active after school, during the winter I don’t blame them. Cai has a new book to start his drumming exams and still does those at school, whilst Sas wants to join Stagecoach, and she can now afford it, so I’m ringing them today to see if we can go and see them on Saturday. Mostly she’s not gone as then I’d never get her away for weekends to her Dad’s if she has to go there, not to mention she loves her sleep, so I doubt she’ll be all that happy about the arrangement. We shall see.

Anyway, I’ve got to take this pile of pills (and one is purple actually making me mindful of a tune!) and shine my round cheeks, whilst awaiting some lovely poster of a faerie I ordered from a place called Higher Heart – take a butchers, really nice. Caius has a Rammstein t-shirt and Saskia has a Spongebob poster coming too!!!!!!

p.s I’ve not found a campervan, I am going to call the Willow Foundation to see if they know anyone, then call Kerrang to see if they’d mind it being a caravan. If not I’ll just not go this year. I shall wait and see.
Ciao x

Camper Van

2007-04-20T11:59:00.000Z

Does anyone know of anyone with a van, or motorhome, willing to lend for a price to us for Download?
Just thought I'd ask. Please let me know and I'll pay and everything!

Going off to the Camden Crawl tonight with our Frank playing at around 8, so meeting Team Danevan whilst they take a few drinks with me for all the hard work they are doing for Lexapalooza this year. Its booked for the 16th June, at the Lark in the Park in Islington, and all the people playing so far are fabulous. More info at www.myspace.com/lexapaloozafestival as it comes in.

First get through tonight, I started the new chemo didn't I, and as a result I spent the entire night last night with my eyes shut but with no sleep behind them. I think I dropped off after 3am, and Argos rang me just after 7 to deliver a chair/futon for Mum to sleep on and Caius to have in his room. I've yet to make it! It has screws and stuff and I'm not sure I'll get it totally tight enough. Its a boys job! I've asked Dai!

Ok time for a pre-outing kip, then I can hopefully have an evening without an episode of madness!!!!
x x x

oh dear -

2007-04-19T09:06:00.000Z

Don't know what I've done to the blog shape but oops!

Monday I went to the hospital to get pamidronate and see Flora, my new doc, and she is sending me for an xray to see if they can help the hip bones stay strong, just in case I could fall on them as they are weight bearing and it might be dangerous. That is next Friday. Just after I got home they called and said I had too much potassium in my blood, so I had to return the next day and take another test before I could take the chemo. I was worried at first as they didn’t explain whether or not this is really awfully dangerous or just a blip. Whilst I was there on Tuesday morning I started to have a moment of weirdness again, and the nurses started to call Flora, who told me to eat more steroids!! NOOO!!! My face looks like I’ve eaten a balloon, one with helium, and I just hate them, but half hour later, I seemed to be fine! Got home, and yes I took my steroids for the evening, and two in the morning, and am ok. Feeling tired still, but it’s finally Thursday and I’m going to try and chill. I want to pop over to the shops and just chill. I’ve eaten all my drugs and had some morning tea!

I’m so brown already, only spent a day in the sun and I’m like a brazil nut! If I’m this brown already goddess knows how brown I’ll be by the summer! I’m keeping out of it! This chemo makes my skin really red and sore around my hips, thighs, and my neck feels a little tender, so I’m not exactly going to be a beach babe! I’m hoping to go out this weekend if the kids are willing to stay with C for two whole days! They are back at school today and Saskia didn’t leave here until 8.40 so was going to be late already! I’m always yelling at her to go – she’s always late – I hate it!!

Right, shopping on internet then off to boots for some more black hair dye!
X x x

My Holiday . .

2007-04-15T22:19:00.000Z

Yes I’ve been trying to blog since getting home yesterday evening but I’m totally BUSY AS PER!
Last Saturday we all got ther around 3, I walked into the reception and said “Hi” and promptly hit the deck with a twisted ankle!! That was the car journey with 8 easter eggs under my feet!
We had lots of drinks and went to the entertainment where the band was an Irish tribute sorta band, they are on the Irish weekend as well, and we hated them and came back to the van! We had a great fun night, including deciding to have a tattoo which we were going to design. It starts as an A for my name, but is also a symbol with wings and maybe colour or no colour. We rang Dawn (my mate who lives in Selsey) and asked her to sort out the tattoo shop for the next day as we all wanted this done now! I was starting to say weird things apparently, but went to bed and the following morning had tea with Sarah in normal zone. We booked the tattoo shop for 11 but I was being more erratic and calling the bus a sheet, and my watch a ‘water-paper’! I would have been scared if I actually realised, but it was funny, Susie made me take another steroid, and we drove to Chichester hospital whilst I complained loudly to Dawn on the phone that they were taking me away from what I wanted to do! By the time we arrived I was normal, and the doc there checked me over with a few questions and I passed. On the way back everyone was telling me some of the things I was saying and we laughed! We had a drink by the beach, and then we were joined by Dawn and Ollie her son, my honorary Nephew.

We all had a lovely day, had great Sunday roast courtesy of Budgens ready cooked, and then everyone left except Gemma. We went swimming to the Pool the next day, and were having a great sauna when a guy in there said people with brain problems shouldn’t sauna, so we scarpered! Cassie paid a quick visit for tea with her lovely dog too, I haven’t seen her for years and was great to catch a hug.

Tuesday Dawn and Ollie came with his friend (Rosie I think) and we drank a lot sitting at the van. This gave Gemma a headache, so she had a nap before we had dinner out in the restaurant, which was empty, and simple, but nice and hot food cooked well. We wanted lamb shanks but got something else. Wednesday we went to Chichester and shopped whilst Caius stayed with the other kids and went swimming again. Me and Saskia tore up Chichester with Dawn and Libby and Gemma went home at 2pm, meanwhile Alec had text me he was on his way, and arrived to come back with us to the van WITH chocolate AND champagne! We fell asleep in front of the tv after he had a few games of frisby with Caius and we looked at the moon and stars.

It was already Thursday, and Alec left to get back home, and I lazed around all day with Saskia until I met Dawn and went into Selsey, where we were going to the tattoo shop if it killed us. Saskia had her ears pierced for the second hole, I had a pentagram on my back, and Dawn and her mate Nick (who I met the morning before) got a symbol that we had been working on for the A on the Saturday night that Colin had text me.

It wasn’t all over, and we went to Nicks for curry, and lots of drinks. Meeting a crowd of new people was nice, although I did get very tired for a while, but second wind Lexie (they call me) blew in and karaoke Queen was born, although pogo-ing to song2 with my Nephew was probable what killed my legs! I didn’t sleep all night with agony on my legs, it could have just been the whole week of walking around, or the five minute leaping and screaming ‘woo hoo’ – you decide!!

Friday morning I was totally morphined up, and we were up early, Mum and Dad got there around 11, then Dawn went home to her lot. We chilled a lot, and went for dinner again, there was two coach load of rugby boys and family taking up the room in the restaurant so it took an hour to get served, but not too long for food, we were back by 9 so I could fall asleep on the sofa (pattern emerging here?).

Saturday again, home today, but the SUN was amazing, so we went up to East Beach, which is where Dawn lives, and her and Sid had brought me a chair to sit on the beach on. So wonderful a day, Dawn and her kids with Sid are so lovely, the kids are great and I was comfortable, with a can of cider in my hand for the morning, we had just the best day. I caught a tan, got crabs, and prawns, and some cockles for Gemma, and we left around 2pm!

Trouble is, haven’t stopped since getting home, we got home for me to find a letter from the MP, it seems I sent her the one meant for the Council, and so am now convinced they have the one meant for her! Feel like a right cock though. Just goes to show how confused I can get. Also did 3 lots of washing, got presents for a baby shower I had to go to tonight, and saw my friends. I’m exhausted now, and hospital all day tomorrow. Got to do my Sainsbury’s shopping before bed because I want it on Tuesday morning so I’m off, hope you like the pics.

Me and my chubby chops and the Dawn.

Saskia in Nick's car to get to the Tattoo shop.

Caius winning Karaoke - even to Song2!

Mum!

Selsey Bill

2007-04-07T10:06:00.000Z

I'm off to Selsey in an hour! Can't wait, Alli, Colin, Sarah, Suze and Gem all with me and my two, gonna be a riot!
This chemo has made me quite tired and now my mouth is sore like the very first one I had years ago! My face looks like the moon face of a steroid addict and my tummy is bulging - roll on easter eggs yeah!
Yesterday we had a picnic for Colins birthday in Richmond Park and it was really wonderful. A great start to such a nice week. The weather is gonna rule and the sea side is fab.
Mustn't forget my hat cos of the wind! My ears will blow off!
xxx

New balls please . . . .

2007-04-02T11:53:00.000Z

What a lovely morning, for a Monday! The weekend was wonderful and stressful all at the same time. Since I decided I couldn’t sleep, averaging 3 hours a night for the last week, I was desperate for a good kip, which I managed last night! I was pushing it trying to watch to the end of Supernatural with the kids, and then was asleep on the sofa until I dragged myself off at 11 only to stay asleep until 8 this morning. Result.

Friday night was awesome, the dinner was lovely and we had plenty, Saturday was hard as my in-laws came down to see me. I had to talk to them about stuff that will happen but I am not convinced that C won’t want to take the children away from here. I spoke to Saskia and she doesn’t want to live in Camden. So I distraught with the thought that he might not do what we want when I’m not around. I have to speak to him again and make him promise that he will do what she wants, or I’ll haunt the fucker. After all it is only 4 more years until she’s going to be 18 and then she can take over her own house, and he can go back to where ever he wants to be. I understand it won’t be nice for him, to live somewhere I’ve died from, but fucksake, get over it, stop being so selfish and promise me this one last wish. The kids will have enough money to survive without him being worried about that, he just needs to promise he won’t move them, and he has to make a sacrifice for the first fucking time.

Sigh!

It was however nice to see his parents, who after all, are my Mum and Dad in-law and I love them. It is confusing that one minute Rita mentioned C needs to get an income, and then mentioned she would be able to help out when he goes away! Surely he won’t go if he commits to being a Dad – so that’s the point tell him clear! Anyway, she also kindly offered to help me arrange to go to Download in a camper van – ANYONE OUT THERE WITH A CAMPER VAN???
Otherwise I’ll look into a loan van for the weekend, to which Caius wants to come! How cool is he?

Saskia also ordered her new sofa bed for her new perfect room. She is made up, and tall I just noticed! 13 ½ already!!! I told her the bed is to be used so get inviting your mates round! I’ll live to regret that I’m sure!

I made a wicked cake on Saturday, chocolate marble with fudge icing. My face is all round and steroid looking again but I determined MORE right now to stay alive to make sure that C won’t take the kids, and that they are sorted and safe. Grrrrr….

x x x

SHAW-PING!

2007-03-30T08:16:00.000Z

Goddess bless Debenhams!

They practically gave that away - £45 all you can see, and there are 27 pieces of crockery there! Bargain of the century! So exhilarating to get a bargain, wierd!
Still didn't sleep well last night, have been awake since 2.30, and am off to Docs in a moment for new drugs to combate new problems. I don't want to go into them here, but needless to say a new blog entitled 'the trouble at Pooh Corner' may be on the cards if anyone other than Dani want to know!! ha! Then I've got to see Caius's action plan at school with his teacher at 10am, then back for a bath. Meeting up with nine girls from work tonight and we are going to the Mills for dinner. Will be really nice to see everyone, I'm going to buy lots of pink wine for them.
x x x

Its all Silver out there!

2007-03-29T08:35:00.000Z

Ok it has been a week almost since I blogged! Been so very busy what with finishing making the sofa covers, so now the front room is a place to never leave, and all the cushions are black and fluff, and everything just is gorgeous, and then the new dishwasher and fridge freezer arrived (all silver and gorgeous), which has a bottle rack in built! A BOTTLE RACK - SO excited! The Argos man plumbed in the dishwasher only to break the main tap which sorted the water, and despite numerous phone calls, refused to come back and fix it, so I had to call beloved Patrick who used to live next door, and ask him to see if he could fix it. Meanwhile the firemen came for tea and biscuits and turned off the main for me so it stopped gushing water out, and once Pat came and fixed it I calmed down, as I was just worried I’d have no water and it wouldn’t be able to be fixed. Right now, the washer is on at last. Yay. Also my dear Dai has been helping me all week, and has as a consequence found a second hand tv for his new room, and I’m off to get him a freeview box for it to say thankyou. He’s just moved stuff around downstairs and is making some furniture for Saskia, as she really needed to have her desk up in her room now. This is how comfortable I need to be right now, as the urgency of a house move affects only me, and I’m sure nothing will happen shortly as the banding system seems to work for target meeting rather than people housing. I understand there are few available properties, but I have to be in the right band to stand a chance. Most 3 bed room houses are in band C so far that I have seen, but I'm suppossed to be helped by a new person, from whom I've heard nothing yet!

Meanwhile a week on this new chemo has made me quite tired. I’m falling asleep early, but waking in the night. That might be the steroids effect on me but I don’t want to lessen them any more than I am at the moment, as I can feel the mess in my brain everyday, and its more important to keep the swelling down than worry about a few puffy cheeks.

I also had my tattoos pictured nicely, followed by a short video about them, with me talking. For posterity you realise. If you want to see some pics I’ll up load them next week or I’ll email anyone that wants a total record!

I’m off to Debenhams with Mum today, all my plates and cups are chipped so time for new stuff there too. I don’t think I’ve bought new plates for years! Shopping . . . . yay . . . x

Post

2007-03-23T09:38:00.000Z

I did receive some post yesterday – an invite to the House of Lords again from Breast Cancer Campaign charity to say thank you for the money I raised from Lexapalooza. The new one is being organized by my wonderful friends Evan and Dani, as I just can’t focus I don’t think. I hope anyone that helped last time can do the same for printing and badges, the venue is the first hurdle, but it has to be somewhere really good this time. I’ve just received a huge box from Mute with CD’s (loads of DM) to sell and raffle for it, so if anyone wants let me know – all contributions to the cause!

I’ve just started the capcitabine – four tablets. Shall wait to see what occurs. I’m also so fucking sick of waiting to hear anything about a house move that I’m going to have to replace my furniture, like the fridge for example. I can’t wait any longer. I understand I can’t have a house if there isn’t one, but I don’t get any feedback, letting me know if there may be a possibility. If I die the kids will be routed out to anywhere and Housing can cut me off the list and not bother – I wonder if that’s the plan.

I’m going to buy a holiday, dishwasher, fridge and freezer and then I’ll be happy.

Its all Greek to me!

2007-03-22T08:11:00.000Z

I’m panting, no seriously these steroids make me like some madman. I know my brain is fucked, but to make me breath like I’m running a marathon, with my heart pumping like a thunderstorm in my head, I can’t sleep and have been furious with everything since 3afucking clock this morning. Shame, as yesterday was a fairly nice day. I went to have my pamidronate, and was seen straight away, they even had the drugs I’d left behind last week for me to pick up! The needle went in my very bruised arm quite well, but the pain seems to be going down now, as apparently I’m mentioning it less. I was seen on time in Clinic too! The bone scan has shown a progression of the disease in the right thigh, and lower back, also to the rib area that was already noted. The wrist is obviously the worst bit, but has been treated now, so might show some improvement. This means it will stay the same and stop hurting I hope. Flora my new Oncologist was lovely and told me how everyone has asked after me, and that they were telling her to get my arm fixed and stuff, and she was saying that I was fighting, and that I had already pushed the boundaries and surprised everyone already over the last 6 months! Wow. It’s nice when a doctor says it. I managed to not have to wait around for drugs, but the prescription wasn’t going to be ready until today. Mum is going to have a four bus trip up to pick it up for me today, bless her. It’s called capcitabine and it comes in tablet form so I don’t have to sit with a drip every week or two. It means (hopefully if my brain behaves itself) that I can now take a trip to Selsey, so sit by the sea and play in the pool (just need the sun to shine again).

Went to Primark to celebrate – bought a top for Saskia, and a pressie for Sarah.

Brendan dislocated his knee playing football, am excited at the thought of being able to take a get well card and pressie to someone else for a change!

The evening got even better when my healers arrived, and the medium, Sylvie, after a powerful session was bringing me Greek. No, literally, Greek words she couldn’t say, but I understood, as I’ve always been into my Ancient Greek mythology and facts. It all started after last week, when I was in hospital I was distraught, thinking I wouldn’t be around much longer. One evening I felt like my hope had failed, but as I lay I could see a beautiful womans face in my eyes, she was glittery and smiled, and would turn away and then back smiling, then the face changed more to an old face, more like the Crone than the Maiden, but still smiling. I felt the Goddess was bringing me strength and emerged better the next day. Sylvie was struggling with a name, started as Ann, then Andreas, and then later, Aphrodite. This made perfect sense to me. Then Sylvie called me Helena. Now some of you very close friends know that story already, but it is my middle name, and Sylvie insisted I was a Greek called Helena in a past life, and she mentioned Helios, the Sun God, one of the Titans, who took his chariot across the sky everyday. Maybe I worked at a temple for him, or indeed Apollo as he was the younger generation of God, next to Aphrodite I’ve spoken to him a lot, so this makes sense to me.

Well, you probably all look totally vexed or just disinterested but I found it great. It’s only 8am!

I woke this morning still annoyed with my housing situation, as nothing has been said nor done for weeks, the website isn’t working this morning, no call returns, and now despite signing for three different people, they still want a fucking letter so they can help me. I’d have got nine passports easier than this.
x x

..another dollar..

2007-03-19T07:51:00.000Z

Having just read back what I managed to get down on Friday, I’ve decided to go back to writing first in word as my spelling and general sense making is failing. I do have an excuse I suppose. Its a roller coaster I feel, so sorry to you all for dragging you along, but I had my radiotherapy at the Marsden which is still yet to work. However, I did ask for a second opinion from the doctors there. I asked what criteria they managed the decision under what should happen with my brain mets that have re-appeared. I was informed I wouldn’t get another radiation to the brain as this may lessen my quality of life, but if I had survived a year since the first application, there was some chance I’d be allowed another zap. So, to make me feel like I had some kind of small rope, maybe a bit of cotton, I can envisage 5 months here and then I may be allowed more treatment that might shrink the brain pain back again. This also has a lot to do with the rest of the body as well. The wrist is currently still agonising, and the chest mets have stopped shrinking as far as I know. Any other progression on the disease in the body would obviously change the whole plan for the head. Either way, this settled me a little, it was Friday after all! So a pop out with Gem and Suse that evening started off the weekend.
This is my new black hair at Gary's wedding reception on Saturday. It was nice night, we had lots of fun with my great friends who have been supporting me for the last four years now with all this. I'm with his Mum in the picuture, I think Gemma has a better photo on her phone of the dress.

Sunday was lovely, Caius made me a lovely card, and a lot of us met at the pub in the afternoon, despite the weather. I want to say a special Happy Mothers Day to my Suze, and my Chrissie, two beautiful god-mothers who take care of me and my Mum by thoughts and love. And of course thank you to all your comments sending me love and help. You are all so wonderful. I shall be brave, and calm, and try not to scare you all for another few weeks yeah. I have to stop typing as my wrist is killing.
x x x x

'lets have a black celebration-tonight'?

2007-03-16T08:56:00.000Z

Yesterday was so tiring, I got to the hospital early a told, before 9, had my needle put in, then down to Lansborough wing for the bone scan. I was happy, I had a bed on the ward to wait on whilst the radio-active glow hit my bones. The tablets I needed, morphine and steroids, were suppossed to be on the ward from the day before, and I had at least five nurses looking for them at anyone time, but we went to pick them up from pharmacy just before my scan, when we found the steroids weren't in there, and we'd have to wait again. After another hour and no show, I just asked the doctor to write me a green prescription for me to get it at home! Unfortunately, the nurse had taken my bag of morphine with her to sort out the whole bag, so I still came home without everything. I was shattered, angry and totally at the end of my tether. Its so exhausting to be stressed all day, and following instructions that don't turn out to be true.
I managed to walk straight into Yasmin Le Bon coming out the toilet though, seems Simon's mum is ill as she was in having a CT scan, the place I have to drink the barium is just round the corner from the bone scan and She came out the loo I was going into.
The scan has not been looked at my doctors, but I could see over the shoulder of the scanner that I have some more white area of bone on the right hand side under my hips area. Not sure if this maybe from where I fell down the stairs a few weeks back. It doens't seem to hurt yet but I'm going to the Royal Marsden right now for the radiotherapy on my right wrist which should stop the pain at last. I'm on 60ml of morphine now so it has helped with the wrist pain. Its so nice having my arm back, no pick line now. YAY!!
It's red nose day, Caius went off wearing my huge buffalo trainers, and my long coat, he looks like Neo hahaha!
have a good day you all..x.x.x

"what am I supposed to do? what is it I've done?"

2007-03-14T20:36:00.001Z

Was feeling great at the weekend, expecting to finish chemo this week, then got up Monday and went to drink the horrid barium at hospital which was horrid as usual. I had the injection for the bone scan too, but felt something was wrong by the time I was about to be scanned for the lung. I asked if they were doing the head, but they sent me away, and I ended up collapsing nearly in the coffee place, Mum ran off to get one of our Nurses that know me, and we rushed upstairs to Allingham Ward where Sue met us and could see I wasn't well. I sat in a chair and cried saying my vision was poor, and my head had been dizzy again, but mainly the fear had gripped me that this is the last chance. I was wheelchaired to a scan, and had a quick drip of steriod to bring down the inflammation that was grabbing hold. This settled ok, then having missed the bone scan altogether, I was admitted to the ward around 4pm. That evening, much to his best intentions, the Oncologist, James, said I might get some more Radiotherapy for the head. This was later put right the next Morning as he didn't know I'd had my full quota.
So, a new chemo will take place from next week, to slow down the spread of the disease as much as they can. The chest hasn't got any smaller, but it doesn't seem to have spread very fast as yet. I am having Radiotherapy on Friday morning, just for the wrist which is giving me such pain all the time. Hopefully I'll be able to use my wrist in a few weeks.
Apart from that I've been through all the pain and fear of leaving again, now that I was so sure of a miracle, and that its so unfair, that my kids won't see me, nor know what I see of them as Cai turns six foot and Saskia stars in her first play.

I'm off tomorrow for the bone scan just to make sure they won't have to do any other parts of my bones, before the Royal Marsden on Friday for the zapping itself. All this excitement I nearly forgot its Gary's wedding on Saturday, we are going to the Reception. hmmm..
My wrist is very sore, so I'm off, will try to blog one evening as it comes. As long as I'm home I will.
x x x

Promises me I'm as safe as houses..

2007-03-09T12:01:00.000Z

Ok much to report. There was me, all excited at the thought of finishing chemo next week, the last shot to be administered on Thursday, the party to follow shortly. The pain in my right hand/wrist was becoming so excrutiating that I was looking forward to seeing Laura on Wednesday to show them how big the lump on my wrist was looking. Laura is off to have her third child, and I saw a new doctor, a trainee called Flora, who was very concerned with the lump as I said it's been here since before Christmas getting gradually worse. I'm unable to lift a cup of tea, or turn a handle most of the time, and have taken more morphine together with frequent paracetamol to keep the pain to the bare minimum that I can stand. I had a small ultrasound and waited all afternoon for a specialist to come and see me, but it looks like it is another tumour or lesion. The bone appears split and the tumour is growing just outside of it, it basically feels broken, but I will be having a CT and a bone scan on Monday to determine exactly how far the cancer has now spread. They feel it isn't necessary to finish the chemo booked for next week, as it obviously isn't stopping the spread of the bone metastasis. I find it hard sometimes to type, but at the moment it feels ok, I had extra morphine this morning. Sorry if I don't text people back at the moment as my thumb can often really hurt too.

So after that I'm not sure what will happen over the next few weeks, but it will undoubtedly mean another trip to the Royal Marsden, and I just hope a bashing with the radiogram will zap the pain out of my arm at the very least.

I had just felt very strong in that I was going to beat this for a long time, but now it feels like its pressing on my time, taking it away, little by little. A small sense of urgency in wanting some sun and time with the kids in Selsey, which I shall be doing for Easter if I don't have other commitments. I wish the house move would present itself too. I'd hate to get sick quickly.

Sorry everyone, I don't want you to worry now. It's just I can get worried sometimes, but I need this pick line out, and a zap on the wrist, and I'm sure I'll be good to go.... x x x

I'll have faith, or I prefer..

2007-03-06T08:57:00.000Z

Ok I've bid on two houses so far, have no idea if I'm doing it correctly as I've heard nothing, no surprise there then.
I'm still tired all the time, and my wrist looks like its hiding a golf ball and throbs incessantly. But the sun has started to make an appearance, and I've only two weeks left taking the chemo. My hair is still suffering from a weird stripe across the top which isn't growing at the same pace, but seems to be a mix of dark brown and grey. I can't wait to die it some colour.
Looks like we are going to Nambucca again tomorrow night, fun on a school night whatever next.
xx

Do you like Sushi?

2007-02-27T15:01:00.000Z

I heart them. .
'>

pull it all down and start again...

2007-02-25T21:30:00.000Z

What a pain, last week I had a row with the nurse on Wednesday, just because she refused to say if she'd be half hour or more so I could send the cab away or not, then on Thursday they gave me a newbie, and she broke my pick line, so I had to stay and have that repaired, taking an extra hour on top of the two I already needed! The next day, after treating myself to a lovely soak in the bath, I fell down the stairs, from the top to the bottom (and then...) things really couldn't turn out worse. I haven't any bruises yet, but I've a sore back on the left side and some carpet burns. Fucking stairs. Whilst I lay sobbing, my housing officer rang to say my pin number was being sent to me! I had just thought about moving!

This weekend was great, started off with a good evening out on Friday, and I tried to on Saturday but I wasn't really up for it. Very tired, and now achey for two reasons, and also looking around at all this palava in the house to be packed away! At the moment there are two property's that have three beds, but they are not really well situated, as one is Morden near St Helier, and the other is a maisonette, but not on the ground floor! I certainly can't fall down outside stairs. So I'll stick it out for a bit.

No chemo this week, but next week is my last course, and I'm going to rejoice when they take the pick line out. The worst thing is my wrist, the swelling is painful and I'm eating paracetamol, it will hopefully start to heal once I finish the chemo. I've some forms to fill in and letters to write. I better also finish sewing my new sofa cover, I just haven't had the energy and my arms hurt too much to pull the fabric through the machine. ho hum..x

She has a nice mimosa.

2007-02-20T13:02:00.000Z

We're back from Lymington, had a nice dinner in the pub, a great day in the woods, and a glimpse of the sea through lunch, but not much time for anything else. Still managed to come home with a bad back, argh!! Managed to find some codeine this morning so have managed to make it to the computer. Dad brought me a new chair to sit here on and its much more comfortable to sit and type now.

Its great that its half term, Saskia actually got up before lunch today and went to Brighton with her friend Rose and her Dad. They've been friends since they were about 5 and I'm pleased she's gone. The weather isn't all that, but I hope she buys some cool stuff. Caius has walked around for me until the tablets kicked in, if it ain't one thing its another eh? Fran is coming to cut their hair tonight, I hope nothing happens to stop that as its our third attempt and Cai's is getting long now.

Thanks for your lovely comments everyone, Marg do you want me to send some photo's that are on here or you can look when you come down? Still have no word on that, waiting for me to be checked out by money people experian!

Ok, my cake needs icing, even though I burnt it already! grrrrr....

Just when I thought it was safe..

2007-02-16T14:23:00.000Z

to be happy, it all goes tits up. My blood test on Wednesday came back wrong, my white cells too low for chemo (sounds like a Beastie Boy song!!) so the misery's set in as another week of this stretches in front of me. I have to wait til next week for my shot, and spent yesterday sleeping. It didn't help that V day is always pretty miserable, its an invention that brings the most deep sadness out in people, and should be banned. I was brave enough to tell someone special that they are, that was enough to make me cry for the rest of the evening!!

I feel loads better today, and am making scones and cake for high tea. We are going to dinner at Mama Rosa tonight with Sarah and her parents for a change and something cool to do. Tomorrow I'm planning a trip to Lymington again, there is a week of tv to watch, a few days missing stuff won't hurt.

I am the Real....

2007-02-14T13:29:00.000Z

Lexie! oh yes!!
Thank you all for your posts to my last blog, you're all gorgeous and I wouldn't be here at all if you all didn't send the love I need to breath. Talking of which, it is Valentines Day and I'm toying with the idea of the odd loving text message - probably a very bad uncool move, but hey, you only live once.

Here is a pic of my new t-shirt Francis gave me last night after his outstanding show at the Borderline, he dedicated Dancing Queen to me which was fantastic of him, saying I'm the strongest person he knows. Now you all go buy his album before I shake my fist at you!!!!

I have only 3 more Chemo shots and I'm so excited about getting rid of my pick line. This is a picture of that! Its been in my arm now for over six months, and it puts in drugs, and draws out blood making it easier than putting a needle in my arm each time I go. The blue wire enters the vein on the right side of what you can see, and then travels up the vein all the way across my chest towards my heart. It looks less noticable than this without the white gauze but I let the nurse put it on this week as my arm is sore from the white screw top on the red part of the pick. Although the end is in sight, I've been very tired and painful lately, my arm is hurting all the time which is annoying.

Me and the kids went and made some pots at Abbey Mills wheel house on Sunday, £10 each for an hour, and had a splendiferous time. It'll be around 4 weeks before we can bring home our wonderful creations, but it was fun getting full of clay. My long nails made very interesting indents.

A 2 Zee

2007-02-06T20:29:00.000Z

woo, spring is springing, and the sun has been shining since Imbolc on Friday night. Apart from definately frightening the neighbours, we had a really lovely feast to celebrate it and danced round a flour circle chanting. After which, we had some food, and drank some punch. My gang of girls glugging much alcohol, and much later on the band joined us. We had such a good laugh, I found my Salvia and showed the boys what they'd been missing - well not really, it was funny though. The punch had made me feel a little sick, but Susie had the best news, my tumours are shrinking more. I kinda didn't react, not like everyone expected, but then I'd been feeling a bit low for a few days. So what if they buy me another year, or another two, I'm still not going to be able to do the the things that I really want to do in life. There will be certain things I've always wanted that will never happen, so it made me sad for some time. I'm over it now. Still taking each day face on as it comes, yay I'm getting better!

Today I sorted out my cd collection and put them in alphabetical order for the first time ever!

busy..

2007-01-24T16:21:00.000Z

Just when you think its ok to go outside, it snows! But thankfully, Carol took me out this morning, and after my blood was taken, we drove to Wimbledon, where I managed to get Nikkos something nice for his first birthday which we will present to him on Saturday (weather and my energy allowing). Although I did manage to finish one sofa this week, see two friends for the evening, get my nails done, and cook a stew!

SO much seems to be changing as I’m finally going to be moving, although there is no place ear marked for it as yet. I hope it is nice when I get there. I’ve got lots of forms to fill in also as everything changes, including sorting out my wage or sick pay as I’m at the end of what work will give me. I still hope someday I’ll be well enough to go back to work, maybe if the doctors say its ok after the chemo is finished. Next week I have another CT scan, dreading the awful sick drink, and the needle in my wrist as I still have heaps of pain from the first one. I’m dreading the outcome, just in case it’s not as good as the last one.

Did anyone see ‘Trust me I’m a healer’ on BBC2 last night? That man, Ray Brown, works alongside my healers in churches around here, and St. Paul has been present in spirit for my healing sessions, although I never have been to see him in the flesh, my healer Sylvie has seen him around me a few times. I’m very grateful that he is helping.

I’ll need all the energy I can muster in the next few weeks by the sound of it. I'm off for a nap. x

it blew on man, it blew on beast....

2007-01-18T15:37:00.000Z

Ok done my bit today and yesterday going to hospital. Feel ok right now. Drinking alot to help the chemo flush out. We went to Primark too, new socks hoorah. and the wind blew, reminding me of a poem by spike milligan.

I'm bored now.

The Shoes!..its all about the shoes..

2007-01-16T22:53:00.000Z

Oh its late, I wasn't gonna bother but I've got to go to Saint Gee's tomorrow for blood test et ceterahah! Last night was the bollocks, all met up at a record store in Tot Court Road called Fop, and watched Francis sing, and saw the Rock for real. Dani and Evan seem so happy, and the full story of how Evan knelt down on one knee and produced a jelly sweet ring to propose to Dani by the penguins at the Zoo just made me think of the best girlie film ending ever, I couln't have imagined it better. I was, I guess, why I was in such a sad mood at the weekend as well. Hard to explain, I love them both dearly and want the best for them, and its not selfishness that made me sad, but perhaps knowing nothing that romantic will happen for me, I can't get engaged for a start!

But I didn't stay sad for long, today I've had to tend to my poor feet, because although I made sure I wouldn't get cold last night, I did have to wear my sexy shoes which KILLED my toes, and I hobbled like a penguin (apt) out of the bedroom this morning, unable to straighten up, as my back was affected too! So I've watched no less than four episodes of Angel on sky and done sweet F A all day.

Oh, tell a lie, I made a cake.
xx

None of this is going anywhere.....

2007-01-15T13:49:00.000Z

I'm listening to Frank today, all day, in an attempt to learn a few more words, off to see him later wOOp woop. I hope the rest of you already ordered the album, I thought I'd buy it in the shop whilst there, even though I already own it! Been looking forward to today for ages, and only realised the Hundred Raisins gig is this week too that was cancelled, but am playing it safe this week as I was laid up in bed yesterday with fluids pouring out of me! delightful I know.

Friday I went to work to say goodbye to my Head of Service, Richard Rawes. It was a party in the social club, but was lovely to see him, and all the people from work that have been wishing me well. Saturday we popped into the Grove, just for an hour, and when we got there it was full of our mates, which was nice. But I'm not sure if that was why I was so ill, Susie says it was a virus, and I certainly didn't have more than two drinks on any one night. So I'm taking the tablets for tummy ache and hoping that I make it tonight without any stupind things making me ill.

Look more sun!
xx

beta? bugger!

2007-01-08T16:30:00.000Z

Despite telling this stupid new re-vamped beta-blogger to remember me on this computer, it makes me put in my full email and password EVERYFUCKINTIME to post a blog, where as the old one used to drop me straight into my dashboard without a problem. So its not a better version however you spell it!

Had a lovely card from the Willow foundation signed by Bob Wilson and his Mrs saying can they use pics from our day out to Jamie's, of course I say!

My firemen came to see me today, and Nicky with Tia. I have no energy still, but we seem to agree its that time of year. I want to finish the sofa's but my arms hurt, and I've developed a rash!

Good to hear from Chris and Sam btw, and good luck Lou for your Dad. xxx

Sleep is for the Week..

2007-01-07T13:35:00.000Z

At least I’m up out of bed today. I’m attempting to go out as well. Never too far, Sainsbury’s is as far as I’ll brave in this weather. So bored! I know I need the rest, but I’ve a little bit of me getting excited now, at the thought of spring, and now they say maybe snow at the end of the month, which will mean I’ll stay indoors forever! I have a week off chemo, so I hope I won’t sleep all week, but will find my energy to finish the sofa’s off.

The following Monday will be a party day for my friend Frank’s album launch and our friend Evans birthday, of which he is not excited it being the dreaded 30. I already had kids at 30, and so didn’t really dread it, but I remember Chris taking it more painfully. He also sprang back into life at 32 – this is the age you start to really ponder, and re-evaluate your life. Chris changed, but that’s a whole new story. So mark my words, the change is coming, but not quite yet.

Anyway, back to the party which is to launch the album that I told you all about that I sang on – and you can pre-order it here. Please do, it’s a great album, costs only 7.99 and will be delivered to your door, when you can set upon ripping it open to find where my name is twice written on the back! I was also heard to say the immortal name of said album, but the occurance of which I have no memory. Once you have listened once, there will be no turning back and will expect to see you at one of his gigs in the very near future. x

on the 12th day of Christmas, my true love-bleurgh..

2007-01-05T17:06:00.000Z

I KNOW I KNOW I’ve been very quiet of late. But, like most of my friends, I’ve just been awful at getting up, and it is so fucking dark all day, once I go back to sleep I don’t actually wake up all day. So, apologies to all unanswered emails, texts, and the like, but if I wasn’t in company, I was asleep, and either way I was unable to reply. Even now I’m sipping a bucks fizz (just to be polite you realise) to help finish off the Christmas drink that Sarah brought round, after all it is Friday!

New Years Eve was a very pleasant affair, with a minority of one man (Evan) at a table of 8 women nattering in to the early hours. The calamity of the evening being Susie losing her bank card, but all in all was a quiet, but lovely night. Nothing too mad or crazy happened, and no un-keepable resolutions made.

I’ve just taken my tree down, it is officially ALL OVER. x

Happy Christmas. . .

2006-12-27T14:56:00.000Z

Happy Christmas one and all, I was laying in bed this morning, as its results day today of the CT scan, and thought about the outcome. I'd want to say thank you to everyone who is praying for me, and sending love as it truly has been fantastic news. My chemo is working, two of the lumps in the chest are reduced, and the other two haven’t grown. The brain mets have also stopped growing and stopped bleeding. This is all wonderful and makes me believe in Father Christmas (not that I didn't to start with). I shall celebrate, and then go for treatment tomorrow, but knowing this time its working well.

Spectacular!

2006-12-21T19:16:00.000Z

One frosty morning!

.. a stretch limo picked us up (actually was nearly 12) where we had a MAGNUM of champagne waiting for us in the car, and another bottle when we arrived at the restaurant!

Saskia found the signature in my book, I was SO happy I cried! It felt like he really was here. I forgive him that he got the X wrong in my name for a Y as we understand he is dyslexic.

Caius thought his meal was 'spectacular', just like the London Eye was after wards. We managed to buy some light up pens and key rings, then it was time to come home. We had the most spectacular day. MWAH x

Fifteen Willows.

2006-12-20T17:26:00.000Z

Got to the hospital at lunch time, dragged my son with me, but he’s not complained all day. I bet he does tomorrow when he is supposed to be having fun. I hope my wrist doesn’t swell up, and I did take extra time going up to the ward to have the needle put in and taken out. The drink was the kind they usually give to children so it didn’t taste quite so bad.

Anyway, off to healing tonight, and tomorrow morning I’ve got to get something very posh on to go out for the day courtesy of the Willow Foundation. Sue, my breast cancer nurse, had found out about them, and spoken to them for me. She at first said about asking to meet Dave, but as I thought that would be too hard with him based in New York, then I thought Jamie Oliver, I’d love to tell him about how dinner time in my house always revolves around some kind of threat to my kids to eat cabbage, and that he should be prime minister in my eyes! However, even though he’s too busy making another baby, I’m still invited to the very posh restaurant Fifteen in Shoreditch. I’m not choosing tortellini!

At 4pm we are going on the London Eye, and we are being taken all day by a limo driven by a nice man called Paul! Lets hope we can see something from the top of the wheel with all this fog in London. It was way too cold today.
xx

dying or lying?

2006-12-19T16:15:00.000Z

Isn't it funny how Eastenders ran the story of Pauline and her non-existant brain tumour, during which I kept seeing the flaws in her story, but she came clean p.d.q. Now Cilla has cancer in Corrie, but she looks more embarrassed as each episode brings more enthusiasm for her plight. Keep your eyes peeled as I might just jump out on Christmas day with a funny hat on and shout FOOLED YA!

...I wish.

Woke after another dream, not about Ethan, but about Brendan – well truth be known the Ethan one was really about Brendan. Anyhoo, this was like the third one in a week. I’m obsessed with feeling wronged by him, even though he hasn’t actually done any wrong. The dream always ends up with me feeling like I don’t have him (which I don’t), and he chooses someone better than me, but I just wish I’d concentrate on something else, it’s not like I’m stressing all day over it, just when I’m asleep.

I hate mornings regardless, they are so cold, and I’m so trying to convince myself that February is only round the corner and might, just might, be sunny and spring like. When I was younger I hated hot weather, and loved the snow, but even that we don’t get anymore. There’s never any real snow that stays on the floor, when the kids were small we managed a pathetic snowman in our garden which had melted by mid afternoon.

I still have nothing for my parents !!!!

Back to old Saint Gee tomorrow for a CT Scan, I just hope they don’t make the vein hard again as the old area on my wrist still hurts seven weeks later. I have a special day out on Thursday but I’ll tell you tomorrow. . .

'how do we tell the people in the white coats, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.."

2006-12-18T13:35:00.000Z

It’s Monday and it’s only a week away now! I’m still awaiting Santa in an Amazon delivery suit, and then I can stop stressing and wrap! Saturday Margaret came at 10.30 (woke me up) for a visit. After she left (sorry to hear about the journey) Suze and Ed my godmother came down from Norfolk. We went for dinner as it was Mum and Dad’s 39th Wedding Anniversary! Christ I didn’t get to 1 year! The Italian we went to had lots of delicious grub on the menu, so I had crayfish for starter, then came tortellini, which was covered in parmesan and bacon cream sauce. I couldn’t eat it as it was way to rich, so I had about 5 mouthfuls. Sinful! However the pudding was exceptional, bannoffee pie, my favourite. Bed by 9.30 and then it was Sunday and time to catch a few presents, where I found and purchased the last black Christmas tree at Argos. It looks crazy and wonderful, with my shoes and ducks from Ikea on there. Although I did step on the lights and now only have half working until I can find a shop that sells matching sized bulbs. They were purchased from Lidl after all!

Finished in time to pop in the bath and ready to go out at 6.30 to go to see New Model Army at the Astoria. Nine of us met at Lloyd’s bar until going in at 8.30, where we had already missed 4 songs! This is a band I used to love so much, always sat on shoulders pumping the arms and singing every word. They did grace us with a lot of old songs, which I don’t remember all the words to anymore but it was still excellent. I wasn’t cold, nor in pain, nor anything else to spoil my fun, mind you I did get home at 11 so maybe I just didn’t stay out late enough!

Glad you are keeping an eye on me Mark hope you are doing good in the fresh country air now that you live and work there.

I fell asleep during this weeks Jam and Jerusalem, but had a dream about Ethan Hawkes – well, you win some!!

backwards rams legs..

2006-12-15T17:03:00.000Z

Chemo yesterday, it doesn’t take so long to administor, but the after effects are worse. Despite trying to rest when I got home it was proving difficult with the amount of things going on. I did manage a bath and despite putting on tights and a skirt, I opted for trousers, vest, tunic, hoodie and jumper with extra wide scarf just for topping. We got the cab to GJ’s for Noel Fielding, and Josie Long at the Roar with Laughter comedy show. We used to go all the time, but I only just recently got a live in babysitter again!! Har har.

We sat at the front so that we’d get some attention, but although Sarah did speak a lot, and was the only one to get the answer right to ‘will we be married on the morrow’, and Alli did tell him she’d had a pooh (even though she hadn’t) it was a funny but not side splitting night. I had trouble laughing due the pain in my body and the fucking air con right above my head – what have I got? Air-con-radar? I had three jumpers on at one point. Luckily Dave turned the air-con right down, but it wasn’t as hysterical as the time I asked him to lick my tattoo. After the show I needed my bed, and was very grateful for a lift home from Sam’s friend, whilst Sarah stayed behind to give Noel one of my badges. It turns out he has a dvd of the whole event and will be searching for it, which means I’ll still never get to see it.

Today I had my nails done, and then Sophia came over with Nikkos who is totally scrumptious. As she left, the firemen arrived, cheery and joking as always. I have stayed in the house keeping warm all day, I couldn't face the tram to Croydon for my works dinner, even now my back is hurting. Although the kids are going off out shortly, I’m going to stay in and take pain killers and sleep. After all I really want to watch Jam and Jerusalem again.
xx

is it over yet?

2006-12-13T15:46:00.000Z

Another day closer to christmas, I almost got in the mood last night with Bobby Davro telling jokes and The Fonz with a wig on, we had a proper fun time. Caius had insisted he didn't like Panto's before we got there, and he was busy bouncing around singing at the top of his voice and all the right answers when required and had the best time. It wasn’t too cold in there either, something I was worrying about, these places are so cold! Today I’ve been up to the hospital for my blood test, where the white plug had once again cut my skin, then off to Tooting for a spot of shopping. I still don’t have my major presents for kids and parents! I’ve done everyone else, except the boys, they are always the hardest to buy for.

More healing tonight, I wish my hair/head would do something. I can see the ends of my hair dark, but it doesn’t really want to grow and the scalp is tender. Maybe I’ll just buy a black bobbed wig. That would be a nice change.

Off to chemo tomorrow. x
. .oh and it always rains in Wales Marg! told you that before you went! :-)

No, its right in front of me..

2006-12-11T11:47:00.000Z

Went to see a gig on Friday with the man from Tennessee, but I was so fucking cold in the Watershed with the air-con that I was frozen to the spot for the last two hours and had a truly awful time. Wish I'd stayed at home and watched Jam and Jerusalem.

Mum however was busy and had found at that vinoralbine the chemo I'm taking makes you feel tired, and lethargic and gives your stomach a good kicking. That makes me feel better (believe it or not!!) because I was worrying they were signs of getting sicker. That and the fact that I'm so cold all the time, colder than anyone else in the room.

Going to see the Panto tomorrow, OH YES I AM.
x

hair today . .

2006-12-07T11:00:00.000Z

I felt like some miserable old bint for about the last week, feeling sick and constantly sleeping. During this time however my dear friend Simon has kindly re-installed my whole computer (can I have microsoft office back please as everything is coming up wordpad, and I can't find outlook for my emails !!) The new sexy wireless router is very good according to Simon too, Saskia is happy on her laptop and I just need to sit and load iTunes on it for her. Caius was surfing a little too on his psp and it was just me who neglected my internet for a bit, but now I'm back on its all changed!

I went to both of my healers this week, so i really hope this will mean a good weekend as I'm hoping to see Rodney Branigan tomorrow with the lovely Brendan. Paul gave me some flower remedy he made for me. I was going to Gemma's caravan but you know what I'm like to make decisions. Either way, I'm still feeling sick alot and so playing it by ear is the most likely. The Doctor didn't seem to impressed with the sickness, and just said they'll scan the brain in three weeks - but my head feels great!! I'm not even on the steriods now so I've also happily lost another stone. Pity about the hairgrowth, I think it was more like scotch mist. ho hum .x

more sleep!

2006-12-04T08:58:00.000Z

Feel like I’ve been asleep for a week. Since last Thursday I’ve been so tired, even falling asleep on the way home from Kingston on the bus. Friday I went with Carole to Toys R Us and bought everything Star Wars I could possibly see, and Sarah picked me up for our sleepover. Saturday I got home around lunch time, and went back to sleep for the rest of the weekend! I was also sick twice yesterday, so I’m not feeling like doing anything today. I think Mum is coming over to check up on me as all my bones seem to hurt and I don’t feel like moving. I’m looking at my fabric and want so much to start my cushions but don’t have the get up or go!

Deck the halls..

2006-12-01T15:46:00.000Z

Alli’s birthday on Wednesday, we went to La Nonna’s in Wimbledon for a 1 o’clock lunch and it was very nice. First we did have to tell the waiters how to make a long island ice tea, which proved difficult seeing as we didn’t know either! Finally we worked out that it needed coke in it for the correct flavour to appear, not a real bit of cold tea like they wanted to add. We did spend a long time eating, last to leave, and I really should have not worn those shoes, but didn’t realise I’d be walking all the way to the other side of Wimbledon just looking for a bloody post office. If I thought the treatment made me sore, those shoes ruined the ability to walk for the rest of the week.

Pity as I was booked to go out with Mum the next day for Christmas shopping in Kingston. I still made it, after a lay in! After two shops I was tired already, but I made up for it today, a trip to Toys ’r’ Us has pretty much finished off my Christmas shopping for Son, and now just need to start on Daughter! Nano accessories are like so much smaller than the boxes Caius’s stuff comes in! talking of which, it’s all in my bed at the moment, good job I’m not sleeping in it tonight as I’m off to see Sara.
x

Hair today . .

2006-11-28T00:05:00.000Z

In short, I’ve had a great weekend thanks for asking. News of the week is I saw a millimetre of dark hair at the end of my dead/ bleached/ radio-active hair on the side of the white porcelain bath, so I guess its growing now. Despite efforts to get people to feel the stubble, its hardly visible to the naked eye, so am getting the pity eye look as I’m grasping at straws! Saskia already put it into perspective when she asked how long it’s taken to grow a whole millimetre, and I guessed at two weeks. I won’t be getting the pink hairdye out yet. As means of a in-between sort of haircut, I was planning on the shaved head/pink fringe look sported by Cherry, Pete from Big Brothers fiancé, but again this met with a barrage of tears from my teenager, who thinks it suits a person who live in squalor and bad smells. I thought it was cool! My bad!

Frank was a pleasure as usual, although I could have made more food. Brendan decided we weren’t eating, and as a result I was very hungry by the next day. Not that it mattered as I did the usual stay in bed for 24 hours from that awful permiginate, but thanks to my wonderful friend Sarah, who cooked me dinner, and washed up after, I was allowed to sleep. Today I’m much better, just paying for my sins ;)

I’ve also written a few hundred (feels like it with my arm) cards tonight. I got quite into it, which is why its now midnight. Must be off. Love xxxxx

Squash

2006-11-24T18:01:00.000Z

Well I haven’t managed a single card yet, but I have started to buy little bits and pieces for Christmas! Argh. The music is already on in most shops too. hideous.

Wednesday and Thursday were off to hospital as usual, but am very happy to not be going again until a week on Wednesday!! Yay! I’m already booking up with more healing, a birthday special and some rest time. I have ordered some fabric to cover my sofa’s – I can’t afford new ones, and they are both old, one was my mums and the other I bought when we moved in here. Both have holes in and I have chosen the most delicious fluffy fabric. I can’t wait as they both will look the same then. What colour? Black and pink of course!!

It’s a Friday night but I have no real sense of adventure to go out and party. I’m making more of my butternut squash soup, and Saskia made some homemade bread at school yesterday which is gorgeous, and that will be that for tea until Sarah comes to help drink some pink. Saskia's school also sent home an ofsted questionaire, oh dear! I know its hard for them with the new head, but its time they pulled it together.

I shall save myself some energy, as Frank is over tomorrow and I’ve got some posh nibbles in my freezer! I need some new cd’s to listen to and am tired of the same old tunes, so he is going to do some iPod raking. Although that does remind me that Reuben were in the studio in Wimbledon somewhere, I should have gone and stolen a listen whilst buttering them up with some home made cakes! Oh well!

Mama mama. .

2006-11-21T16:31:00.000Z

Saskia had a lovely birthday, and is very pleased with her laptop. She had a lovely group of girls over to the ice rink, and I had some lovely help from Helle and two Sarah’s as we sat drinking tea and eating nachos to keep warm whilst the girls skated in Junior Disco. I got totally slated by Saskia for telling the DJ to say Happy Birthday! All 4 girls slept in the front room for the sleepover and they kept me awake generally most of the night with last call around 5.30!

Sunday I made Sarah a birthday cake and we went to Gianni’s (well Mama Rosa Restaurant it’s really called) and had a gorgeous time –

Yesterday I had a mad day with visits from 12 different people, 2 were sorting stuff out for me, 3 were friends for lunch and nails and 3 were laying cable – don’t ask! I was totally fucked by the time I got to bed last night, I lay all the crystals on me for a new moon healing, and woke at 7am as one fell on the floor with a thud! Ha, not to worry, I’ve been to see a very nice man called Paul in Claygate today who spent an hour healing me, and I feel very good right now.

Is it time to start writing the dreaded Christmas cards yet? I’ve best intentions as I’ve bought a lot of boxes, but I tend to start writing them, and find I don’t have addresses. I used to have no time at all, and remember one year not even sending them until after Christmas, especially ones for next door neighbours! They are so easy to not bother with until the last minute. We were all discussing secret santa this year, and who should be in or out, not sure if we have Billy in the gang this year as he came to see us on Sunday, but only lasted half an hour. He didn’t even speak to me or say hello. Can’t decide whether to leave it or continue to ask him if he’s ok. I feel the better friend if I continue to try to help, but I don’t understand why he refuses to help himself so it seems. Ho hum, not ho ho ho!

A change is as good as . . .

2006-11-16T11:29:00.000Z

Went to see Dr Assersohn yesterday, had my blood done at 12pm but didn’t get home until 5.45pm from the hospital, it was so draining. Especially when the news wasn’t so easy to understand as she started off saying we’d carry on with the Taxol for a while, but then she changed her mind. They’d had a meeting that morning about the CT scans, and the new lesions that were apparent. After discussing the cough I’ve been having, which is probably due to two new tumours in my chest area, they are very small, but we are changing to a different treatment called Vinorelbine. Although the tumours are small, the cough is worse this week than last, and this was the deciding point. Now I will go to hospital twice, a week apart, and then have a week off, and to top it all the injection itself should take only about 15 minutes to administer, so even with the flush and set up routine I shall be in hospital far less time per week from now on. As scary and horrid as the news is that the breast cancer is marching around, I will hope that this drug will help for a while. There are still no tumours in my liver or lung, but I suppose the brain shit makes up for everything else.

In other news last night I took Saskia up to look at the Brit School in Croydon. She was very impressed, it’s such a shame she can’t apply until just before next Christmas, in time for the following September. She has a good idea of the application form now though and I have to say it was wonderful there, the people are so helpful, the students were not affected, or shy, or showing off, just a really lovely atmosphere all around. I hope very much that she will succeed in getting in there. Alli and I wanted to go there, I would have done anything to go to a school like that at 12 years old.

Straight back at eight for a healing session from the wonderful Sylvie and Fred, I couldn’t stop coughing during the session though. It’s not like a cough when you are sick, but just like something there that is in the way. It feels ok most of the time so not to worry.

My uncle has arrived this morning, and we are back to the sorting out of Saskia’s birthday and her priceless presents.
x

the weekend....

2006-11-15T09:39:00.000Z

Cyanide etc..

2006-11-13T17:55:00.000Z

Well we had a right ol shindig yesterday at the pub in the afternoon, we had such a nice time, and I even wore a skirt! It was really nice to see all my friends, and Ruth and Robb came down from Dorking and we talked about loads of stuff. I came home to a big huge roast chicken too.

I’ve started taking the apricot kernels - natural cyanide - on Friday but not sure how they are doing. My heart was really pumping this morning when I woke up at 3am. Not knowing what may be causing it, I’ll take it easy on the alternative medicine for a day or two.

Or it could have been the pink wine I put away on Sunday!

This morning I was energetic, made an apple and mincemeat tart, washed my sheets, flooded the kitchen as the washing machine was still full of water, cooked a corned beef hash, and watched the Best of DM three times!!

I think Saskia is into the idea of Ice skating at Streatham, I see there is a junior disco on there at 6-8pm so hopefully her friends will like that, then back here for sleeping over! I hope this goes ok, I’m worried if I feel awful on Saturday.

fish tails..

2006-11-12T09:49:00.000Z

Well I’d actually been in Allingham Ward from 8am to 1.15pm – record time. I’m booked in for Thursday next week though, they were talking about the blood test being too early on Wednesday so have changed my chemo day! I don’t mind what day, its just the time it takes to start on the drip – this usually takes anything up to 2 hours or more just to get to that point, then its 2 hours on the drip, then the 5 minute wash ends up being another half hour! I think it’s me being impatient. I shall hopefully still see some of the nice people I’ve met on a Friday, especially a very lovely young girl called Claire who has terrible difficulty with her veins!
Anyways, there were 7 gals giggling and talking all at once round my table on Friday evening, and we had a delicious meal of Salmon en Croute cooked beautifully by Helle, not to mention all the other ingredients everyone brought and cooked for us to enjoy with plenty of lovely pink wine! Exceptional evening girls, I thank you all for your kindness in coming and spending time. We were pretty tired by around 9 I think, just in time for me to catch some tv – the Boosh on John Ross (embarrassing, the questions were so weak, and what was the point in making Mike and Bollo dress up to sit in the back room!?) and Bo in America which is hilarious. I’m also likeing the Dom Joly happy hour, that was so funny last week when he made Mardi Gras two weeks late. Anyone watch Afterlife last night?? I cried!

Well I’m actually ironing at present, the radio has certainly helped with the pain in the left arm, but the ribs at the back on the right are still hurting. Still I’ll soldier on . . x

"..get down with the sickness.."

2006-11-10T16:50:00.000Z

Poor Jo tried to visit on Tuesday, but I was sick, and fell asleep!
Wednesday was a full on day at the hospital, the CT scan first thing in the morning is so horrid, you have to drink some barium mix which is totally disgusting to make the bones show up, and then they put a needle in my arm to inject some dye to make the blood vessels show up. They were very thorough, but only were scanning the chest and abdomen. After this, I went for my blood test in the clinic room, and then off to have some tea and cake whilst waiting for my appointment with the Doctor. At around 2pm I went in to see the oncologist Shazza, and all the results were back, which she got up on the screen in the clinic. It was hard to understand, but there were words like ‘this area has increased from 21mm to 26mm’ and there is some lump of some sort in the throat area. This coupled with extra headaches and a cough I was very disheartened. Shazza said it was a little too early to have had the CT scan really and that they will carry on with the present course and scan again in a few weeks so not to worry as yet.
Wednesday night I had intense healing from Fred and Sylvie as usual, and then came home to bed. It is true, I will try not to worry, but sitting here now, I feel better today, I’ve got the energy to feel less worried. But yesterday I didn’t even get dressed, I fell asleep at midday, and was covered in pain. In the early evening however, a swift visit from my friends made me chuckle and I sent the kids to bed after Catherine Tate (who is becoming decidedly unfunny).
This morning I woke feeling much better. Typical! I have little, to no pain in the bones, and my head is still, but after chemo today, I expect to feel bad again in a few days! The hospital trip today was over at over at 1pm, and now I’m awaiting a few friends from work for dinner, didn’t quite realise there will be ten of us! I’m only just going to have enough plates!!!
Well it’s a Friday night, its time I had a shindig for a Friday for a change. Bring it on, a good laugh is very good for the soul – that and presents!!!

talking of which - MJ sent me the best of Depeche Mode today, WONDERFUL  very kind of him to the utmost. I’m thrilled to bits, thank you. X

pain in the back side.

2006-11-07T09:06:00.000Z

I’ve been to Mum’s on Saturday and Sunday, and I’m full of pain in the bones and head. Trying to keep positive with that all going on is hard. Feeling sick too which difficult to try to keep eating. I had a few mouthfuls of spaghetti last night, but could barely open my mouth. I’m being brought down a lot by stuff going on with certain work problems, and the cold weather making me a miserable old bint at the moment too. I can’t even enjoy a glass of wine, it tastes rank. Hopefully I’ll get more positive energy at the end of the week.

Saskia’s birthday soon, and I think she wants a sleepover, and a trip to the movies. I hope I can find the energy!

Nothing else to report, hospital tomorrow . . .
x

feeding Arthur. . .

2006-11-02T15:58:00.000Z

Lovely Halloween night, and last night I didn’t have any healing, but went to bed early instead. I had started of for St. Georges at 11.30 yesterday moning and didn’t get home until 5.30 last night. Consequently, I slept for 12 hours last night! I already managed to miss most of the Secret Policeman’s Ball the other night, and any program after 10pm for most of this week. It feels so strange having so much sleep, but this morning I managed to feed my friends baby, I haven’t fed a baby for ages. Arthur came over with his mum Carol and my other friend Debs, we had a nice chat and cups of tea whilst I bottle fed him. He was very good, and didn’t cry at all.

At 12 my friends from work came to get me for lunch at la Nonna in Wimbledon. We had a lovely meal and it was lovely to see everyone. It felt like I haven’t been away at all. I had Cannelloni, followed by banoffee pie which is my favourite. Congratulations to Brian whose baby finally made an appearance after being 3 weeks late! Like father like son we were thinking! He was a good 7lb 8oz considering he was so late, you’d expect a ten pounder by then!

In other news I finally did the letter for Dave Gahan, and it should be on its way to him by tomorrow! The general consensus is that it’s a great letter, and has already brought tears to the eye. I hope he likes it that’s all.

Now I’m off to the Hospital in the morning, and probably won’t get out of there for the best part of the day as usual! I’ll get the chemo, which is supposed to take an hour but always takes double that, and then home to do not a lot I suspect. The piriton always knocks me out regardless of anything else. What’s on telly?... x

Samhain Blessings

2006-10-31T12:34:00.000Z

Happy Halloween everyone!! I’ve been making Caius a lovely Anakin Skywalker outfit all morning – not very scary Halloween I hear you cry, but he does turn evil I suppose, and Cai went off to school this morning with such a miserable face when I said I was too tired to make it for him, and I didn’t have the right materials for it etc.. I did mean it at the time, but thought I’ve gotta try. So I did, and it looks great. I shall take pics later when he’s got it on, and I’ll have mine on, Saskia is going to be Zombie Britney, all covered in fake blood. I’m now trying to decide what to carve in the pumpkin, as it’s not that big and two patterns I printed out are too long for it. One is a nice fairy, and the other a vampire face, both really nice but too big for my lidl pumpkin. The ornamental squash I planted on summer solstice yielded 4 nice sizes and one little pea sized fruits, of which I’m very proud. Unfortunately there are 5 other nice bright orange ones still growing but far too small at the moment to pick.

I have also a lovely evening to look forward to with my friends here, and the children all trick or treating. I have some sweeties, eyeballs and stuff euw! Then after the kids have finished, we will be settling down to some real business of asking some old friends and family to come and sit with us, and bring us some power and energy to grant us a wish, and to join us in this world. I’m going to ask Henry, a very old friend of mine, who died when Saskia was just 3 months old, as I know my Nan is already around, and I thought I’d ask him for a change. I have to get a photo of him out from under the stairs, and there is a particularly huge spider in there so I’m gonna wait til someone else is here for protection!

Have a happy evening what ever you do, I shall be up quite late!
xx

Sleepy head...

2006-10-30T14:35:00.002Z

I slept all day yesterday, only woke up now and then. It is the new level of chemo, it makes me sleep for a whole day. Looks like Sunday’s are out of bounds from now on then. Bit of a bummer. Saturday was great, Dani and Evan came for the afternoon, and only when my Mum and Dad left did we lounge about in the room with the rocket! It was lovely to see them, but I barely had the energy for the costume I had to get into for the party. I had made a wicked cape too, with pink lining of course! At the party we were all dressed up good and proper, all the girls were weird and wonderful, and Joe had a whole skeleton outfit on, whilst Adam was Ozzy. Then I realised I’d forgot my camera again! How stupid am I? I managed to lose my black hat which we couldn’t understand how or where it dropped, but luckily I got a quick drop back home to grab some other head gear – my wigs! So I wore the really long one with my tube grip to keep it on. It was great we were all chatting and joking around, and then the next thing I know was I woke up at 5.30 on the sofa! Oh well, we got a cab home and I stayed asleep for the rest of the day.

The kids came home around 6, the clock change kept confusing me every time I woke up, and had to be reminded again, Sarah cooked a nice stew for us which I just about stayed awake for. She did everything for me thankfully, I couldn’t move. The kids had a bath, and I stayed asleep. Luckily they made it, I tucked them in and said snoochie boochies before trying to watch the Royle Family, which of course, you’ve guessed it, I slept through half of it.

I got up this morning though, and have been to Wimbledon to fetch Caius’ new glasses, posted what Dani left behind by first class recorded delivery, and bought some cat food (as she was very starving poor thing) and some cereal, and managed two lots of washing. I’m off for a lay down, as I've got to make Cai a cape when he gets home in an hour for tomorrow.
x

Savannah . .

2006-10-28T13:02:00.000Z

What a load of nonsense I wrote last night/early hours of this morning! Note to self: do not blog after spending the night out with my friends drinking savannah and collecting money for breast cancer! We notched up £110 and Lisa has taken the box and ribbons for her shop in the mills, so a little more money to come. All lovely, every penny helps. It’s not as much as other years, but no-one goes in the pub anymore, it’s totally dead.
Still another busy day ahead, I’m baking a cake, the firemen are coming, and Team Danevan, then tonight is the fancy dress party/housewarming at Gemma and Susie’s.
I must remember to take some pictures. Everyone is dressing up how funny is this going to be!
My legs ache like I’ve run a marathon, but it’s more to do with the stumbling around on very high shoes all night!

sock it to me>....

2006-10-27T23:21:00.000Z

Today I managed to fall back asleep after my usual 5.30 wake up. My head again all tingley and sharp stabbing pains, so I imagined Paul the healer that was here from spirit healing Wednesday night, coming to stop them growing and pulling them out of my head. This morning I felt better, maybe the steroids, I dunno as long as I’m feeling better and more positive I don’t care.
I also had a mini miracle, as Caius prescription went down! I had to get stuff Wimbldedon today amongst other stuff I heard you can make change under 7, but his optician was well shocked! Then I was supposed to meet Emma at 1, but then we all met at mine at 2,as I was running late, and so was everyone else!
Then I had my nails done, by the time Gemma came at 8, we had a hotdog and did Ikea late night shopping. I helped choose the fabric with Gemma for a few of her rooms she already knows what she has bought for and what she likes.

Personnally, i just want to be here for christmas! i loved the shoe decorations!

xxx

That was the week that was....

2006-10-26T09:25:00.000Z

Ok in the last week I have had a new mascara, a cancer cure, a few too many drinks, two lots of drugs that made me sleep for two days, felt like being a recluse after being accused of lying, oh and had my healing to uplift and enjoy life again.
I’ve not really had the words for a blog, not had many words at all with all the sleeping I was doing. I felt so bad, it being half term and I wanted to take the kids to the Tate Modern to go down a slide or two, but I’m running out of week already. They are supposed to go to their cousins’ tomorrow, and I really need to take Caius to the opticians for new glasses, which means up early to Wimbledon. However after much discussion, looks like we’ll need a trip to Ely’s for fabric for Halloween costumes. Cai is now keen on being Anakin Skywalker hopefully nice and easy!

Had a few spinny head feelings, so am going to stay on a low dose of steroid of which I’m unhappy, but at least I feel more comfortable with them than without. Just means I’ll stay this full round faced – yuck. Oh and last week the doctor confirmed that I won’t be going on a plane very far at all. Unless I do around the world trip of short journeys on my feet I suppose! Still I am supposed to love the place you live in for the last 15 years??

x

Cai writes too..

2006-10-18T07:06:00.000Z

Thank you all for your lovely rhymes!! What fun eh? Caius followed in his Mum's footsteps and wrote an amazing poem too, and it is up on his school site and you can read it here if you like. He did it for homework on Sunday morning. Saskia also did an amazing piece of English last night describing her book she's reading in class about racism. Very topical. The newest info I read yesterday is something about a lack of vitamin D in women with advanced breast cancer, and so I bought myself a big pot! Every little helps as they say..

I didn’t have any problem yesterday with my arm, in fact I was at the Marsden before 9am and out by 10.20, just had to wait for a taxi, which came with a passenger, left, came back and sat me in the car for before leaving at 11, blimey! Talk about fart about. Then I strolled up the river to Sainsbury, to get some veg for tea, stopped off at the Mills for a glass of refreshment before coming home to cook spaghetti Bolognese and a chocolate flan – which didn’t set in time for pudding but was delish all the same!

I didn’t want to turn the computer on and face anything too annoying that would spoil my day. So I opted out. My arm feels ok, just being careful not to strain it, my chest feels heavy and a little congested, but I am pretty sure that the blood test will come back today ok for Friday, when I shall have not only the chemo but also the permeginate, which hurts for a few days.

Raven have three faerie dust pendants left and they have my name on them yay!! Its bad enough being ‘Lexie-ed’ with glitter when anyone walks in the house, now I’m going portable – MWAHAHAHA X

A poem for my friends....

2006-10-15T10:06:00.000Z

Why is my brain all broken and wrong?
They say it could ‘bleed’, has lesions,
It’s not strong.
My ears are fine, and so is my nose,
Absolutely not even FLU wrong with those.
So why did my brain jump into the fray,
Of trying to fight this cancer away?

Not like Sir Bobby who had one big ball,
But lots of little ’uns, like pigeon shot ‘gainst a wall.
They fired at them with radio waves,
Gave me steroids, n I blew up like a balloon.
But that’s all they can do, I’m just waiting my turn,
To turn off the brain and return home.

Meanwhile; three visits a week,
To hospital for fun,
And coupled with suddenly again
Living with my Mum!
I’m all out of bounce, it’s lost by the ounce,
I need to get out and have a good flounce.
Then I can’t be arsed to tell the truth,
OH why did my brain have to fight nail and tooth?

So why DID my brain get all broken and wrong?
‘Cerebral Mestasis’ sounds like a good song!
From left breast, to right breast,
bypassing the chest.
Now it’s all clambered up in my skull and it’s making a mess.
BUT, I’m fighting with sticks, wands, candles and gems,
And Spells, and Spirits and Love from my friends.

xx xx xx xx

The Yangtzee River..

2006-10-12T08:50:00.000Z

I’m booked into the Royal Marsden for next Tuesday for a zap on my arm. This should help with the pain, but the Doctor can’t do the rib which is a bit of a minus. The Chemo is obviously still working on it, and the other stuff, but basically we they can’t aim at the rib as easily as they can on the arm. So it’s an early call on Tuesday, and then I hope one pain will be dealt with.

Last night was healing as usual. It was very uplifting this week. I charged the crystals at the weekend and have been having great results, I’ve been feeling a real strength through my head. It feels like someone has their hand on my forehead (Third Eye area) and pushing on it, not hard, just like a swirl around it. In the room at the same time, my healer Sylvie, Saskia and Sally all felt the same sensation. I hope this is a sign. I feel so lucky especially after watching the news about the awful state of the Chinese villages where a young boy is left to die of cancer by the filth ridden river that is polluted by their own people who care nothing for the environment. Sickening and medieval for such a progressive country, and one that we even look to for spiritual teachings in some areas.

Ok rant over, I’ve got to go to Caius’s school for a meeting about his special needs. By that I mean he just gets extra cover in the class room to help with his concentration, and to remain positive. He’s never had a diagnosis but I believe I have to ask the doctor for one. That just seems like such a big step, but a friend has suggested it may help in the long run. So that is on my list of things to do!
x

Blank

2006-10-10T15:01:00.000Z

Presently I waver between positive thoughts and worries of my head exploding suddenly like something out of Scanners or other horror movie! This is because the afternoons do make my head start to feel spacey, like I’m underwater. Surreal. In fact it reminds me of something that used to happen to me as a child. When I’d try to get to sleep, I’d feel like the blackness, or sky above me was so close to my face that you could see the edges of the cells, and they in turn were so huge that I’d feel flat against them. A bit like the sky was bearing down on me. Apart from that I haven’t even had any weird dreams or visions lately. Maybe the powers that be are all busy doing something else.

In other news I’m thinking about covering my sofa’s with some new fabric so will go look in Tooting over the next few days whilst I’m on my mission to St Georges everyday. That is if I have the energy. Last week out at the shops gets pretty mad after a while. Its so mad how this all started.

Tomorrow morning I’m up at the hospital early and thankfully getting a lift from Juls, as I can’t bare the thought of damn late cabs and stupid buses. Much appreciated though, I’ll take my book and drink some coffee and be fine. My Mum is going to meet me up there at some point nearer 12 o’clock, by then I shall know if and when I shall get some radiotherapy for my arm and rib.

Oh and thank you for the call Louise, I chuckled at the image of you sliding on your bum covered in mud!!!
x

what to do?

2006-10-09T07:57:00.000Z

Phew Monday, it’s been a good weekend, Margaret came down from Chepstow, and we haven’t seen each other for ages. She took me up to the Hospital, probably not the nicest outing she’s been on with me! It was very busy on Friday, and the room was full all afternoon. I was there from 12, my chemo went in fine, although they give you Piriton to make sure you don’t get an allergic reaction, and it makes you drowsy. I wanted to lie but couldn’t, so I just sat there until half four when it was over. Back home, at least the children had gone off with their Dad for the evening and afternoon. We decided to go for Tapas in Wimbledon, it used to be gorgeous in there when Sarah and I used to go, but I have to say I remembered it to better. Maybe no wine made the evening shorter and less eventful, and cheaper! We used to sit there all night eating and drinking! Still we had a great time, and then home to actually have a glass of wine! My first for while. The next morning we went to Sainsbury’s, I took it easy as it was very tiring still. We sat for coffee for a while gathering the strength to go home. I do have a chesty congestion during the morning and evenings, but I’ll just keep an eye on it.
The moon was beautiful on Saturday, and we had spent the afternoon clearing out all my chest of goodies, burning old incense, and tiding the books up. We’d booked an evening watching Bridget Jones - can’t believe Marg had never seen it! That was after my wiz around the garden burning things and staring at the sky. Fully empowered the end of another productive day methinks. I even had made some cushions for the girls new flat. Very pleased with myself! Sunday Marg left and I went to dinner with Gemma and Susie at the new flat, then home for ironing.

I’m coughing again this morning, and apart from the odd throb in the head I seem to be bearing up fine. Not so maudlin as I was at the beginning of the week, and I’m at least facing the computer right now, all I need is to actually start typing on in with important stuff instead of thinking about some other thing to pass the time to do with the kitchen, baking or packing. Daydreaming is a good pastime, I can do that at the same time!

Dizzy Dave Daze...

2006-10-05T14:54:00.000Z

Trying to convince myself not to have an episode today! I went to meet Mum in Wimbledon, and felt a little light headed from time to time. Home now on my bum watching the DVD I had since yesterday. It made me wake up determined to write my letter to Dave today though. So where do I start? What do I say? Aren’t we all just a list of events and people and stuff? In short it could end up a sorry list of love and the wrong guy at the wrong time!! Same with anyone I suppose. The music would always be there for me I’d have to say, pulling through to another chapter of friends and times. Leading me back to Letter to Dave! ‘Walking in my Shoes’ has just been on, and I’ve sobbed like a baby! I couldn’t listen to it without crying for 5 years or so, but thought I’d kicked it – until now. I think it’s that line ‘keep the same appointments I kept’ which always gets a little bit of me. I used to sing myself to sleep from about the age of 6, making songs up about Christmas trees and things! Depeche Mode have always made me feel like they had a hidden camera on my life, ‘The Meaning of Love’ at 13, then boyfriend trouble with Violator in my Teens, dark gothdom with Songs of Faith, and then when I had the kids I had to take a while to get Ultra on board, and then they came back with the Singles and Exciter, which took you through affairs and separation (all sent to me via the internet by the person involved in the continuation of the saga incidentally). Playing the Angel came out and lines like ‘angels with silver wings, shouldn’t know suffering’ struck a chord. But the fact that this band step in to always be there, I’ve always wanted to just shake Dave’s hand to say thanks for it, his delivery of Martin’s lyrics make the whole package. But whilst I’m at it I’ve got lots of other things to write to people, which again is odd. I’m sick of turning on the the tv to see euthanasia and letters from the dying being written – FUCKING SURREAL!

x

What's it all about??

2006-10-04T10:35:00.000Z

http://www.spiritual-healing.co.uk/

Not sure are you? I thought this when I got kinda upset by a renowned bunch of old yobs in MY local pub. They’ve been banned from every pub in Mitcham as they cause trouble, drink and generally think they are gangsters, when they are just rude, drunk pikey types. It’s not that they called me a stupid name just to upset me, it was more the fact that they COULD. They sit there, drink, breath, etc, and don’t deserve it. I was only out of the house in the last week for two hours in the pub, and wished I hadn’t bothered.

The DAILY MAIL said yesterday that science is to accept that spiritual healing DOES work – hah, you don’t say?! Anyone can do it as that is why people have written my name down in a Church list, and everyone sends me loving healing thoughts. Can’t go wrong?! As I have more of a Wiccan slant to my personal beliefs that is how I channel my thoughts when I do it for myself, but the great thing about thoughts is you can pretty much pray to who you envisage. For example, joining in healing can be done from a distance as long as you concentrate on the person sending positive thoughts. So when I say ‘join me’ I mean in spirit and energy, but in your own way. My own path has to be kept secret to a certain extent, if you get my drift, but as I have said, just burning a candle and concentrating on positive thoughts whilst maybe asking for me to get well for ten minutes is perfect. If you know others are doing it at the same time it feels large, and a full moon is a powerful natural source so at around that time is, to my mind, a good time too.

Oh my, I’m off, the postman has just delivered a package from the wonderful MARCUS at Mute, he’s made me the Happiest Girl - *swoon* Dave Gahan yummyness whilst I get ready for St. G and a blood test………..x x x x x

Killer carrots

2006-09-30T16:05:00.000Z

Well I missed the two nights out that I was positively looking forward to in favour of the smell Allingham ward – and believe it was sme-e- lly! *gag* Poor Frank must be fed up of getting my delirious phone calls of me cancelling our evening out as I was as usual ‘delirious’ again! Over the week preceding Thursday I felt like I was getting poorly, but Thursday morning I could hardly focus, was difficult to make sense, I couldn’t text or use a telephone, couldn’t put my mp3 player on and find a tune, and couldn’t even sign my signature. Gail at St Raphael’s said to go to A & E, luckily Susie was there and I lay on a bed being looked after by her, while we waited and buzzed the doctor for three hours.

I was due in the following morning anyway, so I they did the blood tests and I had three needle punctures in my right arm for various tests. I had another CT scan, I was the last in, but the news was joyous, all the small mestasis have shrunk LOADS the scanner said, he was grinning so much I just knew how happy he felt about it, I had to give him a little hug.

So despite thinking the worst the day before, and failing to sign my signature on my Will, we were none the wiser in the morning. Still I had to have a pick put in first thing the next day. This involves an incredibly thin wire being inserted into the arm that goes all the way over the chest area and resembles the new wave of the Lexylator life history! The pick was inserted, and it then you go off the check it’s the right place, which of course it wasn’t. So around 1pm we start again. This time it’s a success and then get back up to my bed where I am injected with two pre-meds and we finally get on with the chemo. I mention the Permiginate should also be administered that day to which Charmane looks at the nurse, who looks confused, and the doctor just shrugged. They went off arguing a bit, and saying they'd sort it. i woke up at 7.45 and they’d all gone home and no-one else knew what was going on. The new night sister was on duty. We buzzed the SAME doctor, who took 15 LOTS OF 10 MINUTES before finally coming and writing the prescription so I could go. It was now 1 o'clock but luckily Dilan was not at all upset, and was still happy waiting for me. I managed to sleep at home, but my back is starting to hurt, it did this last time. I’ll go try get comfy.

To add to the good news week, I read in the Daily Mail yesterday that breast cancer has increased by 80% in the last 5 years, one of the reasons being ‘better nutrition’. So you’re telling me if the drink and drugs don’t get me, the fucking killer carrots and parsnips will???

Ok, I have to get off this chair!! xxxx

apologies for unblogages..

2006-09-25T19:17:00.000Z

I’m ok, just couldn’t face the computer! Friday was ok at the Cult, bit dull, but there was a lot of us together and we all had fun. Met Marcus, Caitlin’s other half, and I bent his ear about how much I love DM! Poor soul, he didn’t even stifle a yawn!
I was home in bed by 12 o’clock, despite two offers of aftershow passes (one from a very nice chap who walked up to me and said ‘you’re Frank’s friend aren’t you?’ – see it pays to PR eh Frank!?). Trouble was I slept until 12 the next day, and still felt tired. I didn’t get up from the sofa all afternoon, and felt sick all the time. Chris dropped the kids off around 8 but didn’t even come in the house, despite the fact that I was asleep on the sofa and couldn’t move. Still it saved me from conversation I probably didn’t want. Saturday night I felt awful, and was so nauseous by midnight that I took a bowl to bed, luckily as I was ill in the night. Sunday I tried to pop out, and got some herbal tea from YesLisa a shop at Abbey Mills. She’s lovely and you can get my love me oil from her if anyone wants some!

This morning I went to see Sue at St. Georges and feel so much better now that I’ve spoke to her, and I had my bloods done so we can understand why I felt so nauseous. Sarah gave me some ginger and lemon tea bags, and they are working wonders too.

Even Mum’s says I’m acting with a lot more life in me now. That’s ok then, still got so much to do, can’t be doing with feeling sick. I will protest if they want to put me back on steroids as my face is just looking like me again.

I'll mail you the in's and out's of the Full Moon Penny, and incidentally Francis, I think you'd do great job as the High Priest!!

'i am left with just a ringing in my ears..'

2006-09-22T09:52:00.000Z

Well I thoroughly pissed off 02 now, I rang them, ordered a Samsung Z320i and then rang them straight back and got them to cancel it. It didn’t say it had an mp3 player on the website, but then the girl on the phone said it did have one. Argh, I’m so bad at deciding anything! It turns out the E900 is coming out in pink in two weeks time, and it has a light up pad like the chocolate. I’m just interested in what it looks like, I don’t need it to do much more than ring someone or text them, and the newer Samsung has video calling, which is no good if no-one else I know has one!

Last few days I’ve woken in some pain, can’t wait til Wednesday when I can tell them to get on with it. Also I’ve found a nice spell in a book that Sin lent me, a huge chapter for a coven to perform. Now this could be done by all the people I know, but will mean we all have to agree and be in the same place at the same time I suppose. I think we’ve agreed on the next new moon. In the meantime, today is Mabon, and we should give thanks for everything we already have. I shall definitely be giving thanks for me making it this far, and ask that I make it to the next new moon! I’m feeling very sick and tired a lot of the time so really want to work on this from all angles. Thank you to all that are thinking and sending healing thoughts, remember today to give thanks aswell.

5. get photo in Kerrang!

2006-09-20T15:36:00.000Z

Today I got a phone call from Alli to say her letter was printed in Kerrang! That’s another off the list! She sent in a letter a few weeks ago, and its in today, with picture of us at Susie’s party, the one I sneaked out of hospital to go to! Rock n Roll!

I went to see Tia and Niki today, Tia isn’t one year old yet, and I fed her lunch of scrambled egg and pasta, she’s so lovely. I think I quite like the look of the LG chocolate after looking at Niki’s, but then others say its difficult to get on with.
Argh I just hate the whole change over thing, losing numbers and the kerfuffle. Got to make my mind up soon my phone is behaving really annoying.

Cooking home made beans today, made a cake earlier and now waiting for Mick n Fran to arrive. Then off to healing tonight. Pretty uneventful.x

School Dinners

2006-09-19T10:22:00.000Z

Yay Jamie’s back on tv! My sons menu is outstanding, and I hope they get to Bishopsford soon, its pointless worrying what they eat at home if they eat crap all day at school. But he’s fighting a losing battle with some parents, with whom the sole blame lies with lines like ‘but you’ve got pasta on every day and he won’t eat that’ well MRS you fuckwit, its about time you stopped saying that so little Willie gets a fucking chance to TRY and eat that without someone standing over him saying ‘oh no dear you won’t like that’. My Mum lived on a shoestring, and leftovers were always a meal in my house, and quite usually my favourite one of the week. But I never was told I wouldn’t like something, and even though I hated brussel sprouts I still had to eat ONE every Christmas. I’ve tried this new thing where you give them a mouthful of something new each week until they actually like it. We now have cabbage on the menu much to my delight!

Enough food talk! There was also a disturbing program about Dolls on last night which was weird as it was fascinating, I take it these dolls are only big news in America, (although I can think of a few people who would probably be candidates for the use of) but isn’t it just a sad example of how insecure some people can be at connecting with other people, that they need a rubber substitute?

I did have an awful pain this morning, sounded like a french horn being played in my rib cage. I've taken some Omeprazole, as the steriods may have hurt my stomach lining! Feels ok now. I'm making soup, and watching Angel. Then I’ve got 3 wardrobes to clear up.

AND…there’s a whole BUNCH of things wrong with Lionel Richie - although I reckon he don't use a doll for any of them?!!

"the hardest thing in this world, is to live in it"

2006-09-18T18:54:00.000Z

I made the best cake this morning, which was devoured by Red Watch needless to say, and glad I was to have made the best chocolate cake ever. Fan assisted ovens are shit at cakes. Two loads of washing, including change of beds, and clearing some drawers and shelves has kept me busy the rest of the day. Boring huh?
St Raphael’s visited too, this time someone called Gail, who has taken over from Veronica and her faux pas’ and is far better to converse with, discussed my drugs, and then buggered off!
The firemen wanted to hear my music, so Million Dead was dutifully played, and then some of Frank’s ep just so they know what they are buying in when the album comes out. They are in a band also, doing mainly Kings of Leon coversw, which sounds alright, at least it wasn’t Lionel Richie…

I did manage to watch two discs of season five Buffy, the one where her mum is dying from a brain tumour! Buffy dies at the end too, always guaranteed to make me cry this season, every time. SADDO I know! Oh, and in case anyone wondered why I hadn’t mentioned the paper, it’s because I never had a Guardian this week, so had no idea the bit was in it until I saw a friend yesterday who had it only just delivered yesterday. But no, I don’t have one, but I hear it’s a very picture. I really don’t know how to thank everyone at work, except to say how taken aback I was to the point of crying for hours. All the money is safely put away for the kids’ future, as I won’t be able to help them out when they need their first car, or first house, or first buggy, or even university books. I’m lucky to be able to have time to make sure I’ve said all the nice things to people, but at the same time, its hard work. As I recently put it to one person, I’m living with this now, and living is the correct word. So I’m doing it to the full. Well as soon as I have a little more energy…..

Wicked!

2006-09-17T20:01:00.000Z

Friday my arm was hurting but in the end of the day, it was ok, I just dosed myself up. I asked Nicky to take me to Bishopsford, where I met Saskia’s teacher who was very nice. Seems Sas will be doing a lot more work now and has a new strict head, and even already has more homework. Then I went to Egham (if a little late) with Dilan driving me, and met the lovely ladies from Breast Cancer Campaign. Apart from a lovely lunch they told me all about a breakthrough idea, all about something called BrK that helps make cancer cells spread. The scientists there are further investigating the possibility of ‘turning off’ BRk so that breast cancer won’t spread. It also may stop it growing bigger in the first state. I saw some breast cancer cells in a microscope and gave them the middle finger. I also asked if I could pinch some Brk just for the hell of it, but they wouldn’t let me! Yes, I was in some pain from my arm, but Dad picked me up dead on time and I drank lots of Oramorph on the way home. I kept up the pain killers, fed the kids some cheese and beans on toast and then went out to the stage show Wicked by 6pm, which was just as it says on the ticket! Excellent songs, costumes were awesome, and the story line was fantastic. We had fabulous seats as well, very highly recommend it, I did actually cry, but that’s expected!

Yesterday seemed to vanish in a flash. A visit to Wimbledon, a friend’s birthday and a drink with some dearest put me to sleep by ten o’clock, so then it was Sunday all of a sudden and the Firemen were coming again!

So up at the crack of dawn (well 9 ish!) making chocolate butterfly cakes for my ‘boys’ from Red Watch, who suddenly had a call mid tea drinking, so they zoomed off in their uniform whilst me and Sin swooned on the front doorstep! They came back, just after I’d thrown the tea away, typical! Had to make a fresh brew! NOT that I minded, as then they had to stay longer! I made one of my firemen get rid of two spiders in my bedroom - would never have slept otherwise.

Dilan kindly took me shopping after, both to Lidl and Sainsbury’s, so I’m in need of nothing from the shops at the moment, AND the firemen are coming again in the morning, they loved my banana bread so may just have to make more treats in the morning.

It was my Mum’s birthday yesterday, and I never really got her anything substantial. I’m thinking something pampering, to help her regain some clarity after the last few months. I really want some normality, some positivity, and some sunshine to be re-installed.

Lexylator

2006-09-15T08:31:00.000Z

Yup, MY moto!
I can’t type at the mo, tried to do my trousers up this morning and my left arm is in agony. Still haven't done the button up. Hope I haven’t actually damaged the arm, but I’m in a lot of pain. Typical, I’m off to the lunch soon, and out tonight. I can’t even open a door! Ok, pain relief or x-ray? That is the question!

"its like thunder, lightening..."

2006-09-14T10:25:00.000Z

Yesterday was mental. Thank you everyone for your happy comments, I keep thinking about the words on a poster that I saw ‘living with cancer’ but that’s what I have to remember, I am LIVING with it, and doing quite well to boot. Haha. Yesterday I was tired though, and I still have bouts of pain, I saw the lovely Doctor Khan, my GP who wrote out another prescription for the morphine, and then Debs came for coffee whilst I made a banana tea bread, this one didn’t end up like a brick, fan assisted ovens just don’t like cooking cakes. Deb’s commented that life was just as normal here, I don’t sit down and the phone never stops ringing. My new sim card finally clicked on after another call to O2 at 5pm, but by then I’ve decided I don’t like the new phone they have sent me. Its never going to survive being dropped down the loo, so I repacked it, put the old phone on. I denied having a hangover all morning, but then to be honest, I feel like I have a hangover every morning, that’s what it feels like. The head is full of pressure, sounds are loud and my bones ache. So, I didn’t have a hangover, it was normal!

Just as I was hitting my pillow the light from lightening came through the window and exploded with rain and thunder right above the house. I got straight back up started running round the house trying to get a good view, but it must have been right above me, was nice and bright though, and thankfully over quick as I lay down and went straight to sleep.

My brother-in-law is very sick at present, he also has cancer, and I have made a package to send up to try to lift his spirits. I hope he doesn’t think I’m truly loopy as I’ve sent him a faerie Oracle card to help find some inner strength. That’s taken up my morning, as I made a little talisman too. I didn’t go to healing last night, but I was very tired, wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere.

Ruth, (Eternal Tattoos) my friend, and Robb her new hubby are coming over later, with Lulu her little girl. I know my girls want new tats like my faeries, so we'll be deep in drawings. In fact I might see if I can fit in a quick one before I start chemo!!!?? yeah!?!

Right…..I’m off to do an imaginary phone call to Cathy Rind Hoops….

operating, generating, new life..new life...

2006-09-13T08:03:00.000Z

The lovely Doctor Simon said that he was very happy with the new scan, and that my brain swelling has gone down, the tumours have shrunk and no new disease is anywhere else like the liver or kidney. Wonderful news, we all cried, even he nearly did!
Choices now are what to do with the arm, rib and some small other areas in the middle of my chest he can see. I could take chemo straight away, which won’t do anything to the brain tumours, or leave it for a while as the small ones aren’t life threatening, and carry on with the anti-cancer drug Pamidronate four weekly for now. As chemo gives you such side effects, he was reluctant before meeting me to take away any quality of life I have, I suppose he means if I’m ill on chemo for how many months, then the brain tumours get big again, it will mean I’ll be sick and not have a good quality of life. But I’m going back in two weeks, and then I can decide.

For now it’s a much better prognosis than it was when I first went to hospital, and that is fantastic. It was funny finding out how difficult it was to spot just quite how weird I was acting at this point, because I’m pretty loopy anyway, but the short temper and forgetfulness was all made clear to my friends once they knew. I think I was also noticing, and was even angrier with myself, as I didn’t know where it was coming from either. Now I’m shit loads of morphine for ever – it still seems like a normal me!

An Angelic up-start..

2006-09-12T10:08:00.000Z

I woke this morning at 4.14 with a sharp intake of breath, like maybe I’d forgotten to breath and was gasping sharply to wake up, I opened my eyes and there was someone standing through the middle of my bed, watching over me. I was so happy I couldn’t get back to sleep for a while!

Sunday we had roast beef, with my new invention ‘jamiejelly’ which incorporates the plums Sarah brought from my tree (please can I have some more??) and apples from Col’s Mum into a gorgeous jelly type jam, which goes awesomely with beef we did discover, and would with chicken as well as just a jam. Think I’m turning into Nigella Lawson (is she hot, or is it just me?).

Thanks for your comments gals, but really is NO big deal to try to read back, no really, I mean it. I was wondering when I’d be able to start talking like I usually do, a few thousand expletives usually litter my day, and no different on here, until now! Well, if anyone is interested my ‘cunt’ ring is available from these people Crystal Evolution, although they don’t have stockists in England, maybe try emailing them, the number on the box says 6/52/12 then a H – but I think that maybe the size, which is big, I stick it to my finger with the wig tape!!

Off to hospital to see the consultant I hope, 4pm is such a cruddy time to go, but I’m feeling fine. x

"she loves you yeah yeah yeah......"

2006-09-10T11:12:00.000Z

Had a great sleep, a great day yesterday, the Mills was ablaze with sunshine, and although the band were a little late, my lovely friends all gathered together, and then we had a groove.

As I had such a day previously, I was a little more dosed up yesterday, and kept making total mess of everything! I was totally confused, thinking one Sally was a different Sally, and then a Jo a different Jo – when someone says ‘Jo’s looking for you’ I’ts very confusing when you know a few! So I spent the entire day calling back the wrong person – not that I don’t usually do silly things like that but hey.

I came home to cook tea, lay on sofa watch Star Wars. Today is totally gorgeous sunshine and I really want to get these kids outside - “darkened cinemas” lyric springing to mind!

I do feel a lot better today, the pain is calmer. Just need a good fry up!

Tears of Blood!!!

2006-09-09T08:31:00.000Z

Yesterday’s blog may have seemed minimal, I couldn’t concentrate as I had slept very badly and woke up in much more pain than previously. This sudden turn of feeling had happened after I had finished my meditation the previous evening and I was very disheartened. I feel like everyone’s hopes and prayers are lifting me up like I’m on top of a mountain of arms saying ‘don’t take her away, she’s loadsa fun - stop it!’ and it’s wonderful to hear how some friends have had personal experiences from these thoughts and prayers too. In fact I was on the phone for nearly an hour to one friend who had such an amazing experience that she is now going through Amazon to buy some new pagan reading material of which she has not had before. My healer told the church about me, and thus helped three people to find a fight inside them. Fuck me, Sarah’s says I’m gonna weep tears of blood next!!

I’ve had to increase the steroids again, which will stop the thudding in my head, as it brings the swelling down. They do however fill you up like a balloon and the gas has to get out somewhere! I also hate resembling a bouncing toy from the seventy’s that was orange. The morphine is up too as the pain in my arm was so strong, but I have happily to say, slept much better last night.

I hope everyone had fun out last night, I had no energy at all to come, and was in bed at 10. I am going to the Mills today for 12-2 as my friend Lisa is putting on the Mop Top Beatles under the bandstand for a charity collection (the gig itself is open air and free). I shall take some ribbons for BCC, she did say this was the first Lexapalooza-ish type gig, but I will wait to speak to her. My Mum and Dad are coming, being teen’s of the sixties!

I’ve been invited to lunch with BCC, but it’s in Egham! There will be a tour around the laboratory to see “research in action” which got me thinking how I’d like to go and speak to a researcher – someone I haven’t seen this time around. It seems common for this disease to return in the bone/brain, and no-one is prepared for it. I went to my doctor complaining of what felt like an ear infection months ago, and she was even the practice nurse I saw first 3 years ago, so whilst asking me about my cancer, she looked into my ears, found NO signs of any infection, but gave me some antibiotics anyway, and sent me off. Now if they were equipped with a piece of medical advice that post-cancer patients should look for signs of this to indicate a return of the disease in the brain, then surely it should be widely known by doctor and patient themselves. I’ve read a small piece a paper recently that women who change from tamoxifen after 2 years to a different drug, have less chance of it returning, although I had no such suggestion made to me. This is all incidental as this cancer is not hormone receptive. Even when I was pain with back ache, its only the luck of speaking to my dear friend who is a nurse, who told me to tell the hospital to give me a CT scan in February was I then aware that I was of high risk that the cancer could return in the bone. I have told my friends at the Campaign that I’d like to attend but perhaps the doc’s might want to hide under the table!!! I also will need accompanying so doubt they’ll give me two tickets. Maybe I should just write to the Lancet? – bloody hell, give me more “round to it”s!!

Piccies Yay

2006-09-08T10:09:00.000Z

I went to Ibiza Then There was TEA AT THE RITZ!
You've already seen the pic of me and 'My' Red Watch, but here's another ">here.

">ROCK LOBSTER! And champagne, andI RULE AT THE CLAW!

Return of the Jedi

2006-09-07T10:27:00.000Z

Scan went well yesterday, had to drink some horrid aniseed flavoured water for an hour and then lay on the tube, before a spinning scanner whizzes around my head and down the torso. Then a needle in my arm puts a dye into the body, and I was popped back into the tube like a telescope. At least they are checking up on the little blighters in the brain after all, that woman (who incidentally has passed me to a different person to talk to from now on!) had a fear in my mind that that would be the only scan I was going to have. We were out by twelve, so passed by Primark for a new bath mat for a fiver!

I lay on the sofa until the kids arrived back, Saskia has a new teacher. Mrs Head is strict, she said, I’m made up! Her last teacher was a bit quiet, this one sounds like she’ll knock them into shape. She also had got the bus in plenty of time, and is really settled in Bishopsford (the website is shocking, no dates for the rest of the term, no information on after school activities, and not even a run down on teachers, names and years – barely any use at all). The school was looking a little less wonderful since the last Head was unceremoniously ‘off sick’ for ever and then never came back, and I just hope it’s not too late for the new Head as the school is so well equipped, and directed at the arts which will bode well for both of my children. Caius told me this morning he wants to do Graphics, and he’s been an amazing drawer since he was little. Saskia has ‘Performance’ this afternoon, after Maths and English this morning, I would have given my right arm to have done that at school in this year! Both of them had wonderful reports at the end of last year, and this year they both have SAT’s so will be a lot of work. Cai will be going early twice a week for extra maths, so that should really help his most difficult subject. They must have inherited a fear of numbers from me! Soduku is like a huge tarantula in my eyes!

Last night I went again to see Sylvie, and it was a wonderful evening of healing and light. She hasn’t stopped thinking and speaking about me all week, and believes we met in a previous life. I left there with instructions to drink milk and honey and I would sleep well, and here I am after a 7 hour sleep, plus another 2 for good measure. I even dreamt – although have totally forgotten it since, but this is the first time in months.

Currently wondering around in vest and pants, gathering all the things I need to do tonight for the Full Moon. Still tired, but it’s a beautiful day, I have some tomatoes in the garden, and more jam to make!

oh dear - I just dropped my mobile down the loo!!!! x

"The Queen of Colliers Wood"

2006-09-06T07:58:00.000Z

Wow, how exciting was yesterday!? Met the Danipants on Paddington Station, and a nice girl called Rachel who works for Rocksound, we acquired sarnies and other nibbles, and got on the 12.21 to Oxford. A short cab journey from there took us to the huge beautiful Georgian house that Frank has been calling home/recording studio for the past how many weeks? Met Tarrant, who actually does live there, Ben and a very happy looking Frank and his banjo! We drank a nice cup of tea, and we took a long tour round the windy stairs with lots of wires and things connecting the basement up to the recording room. The drum and amps set up in the very cool basement, with an old Hammond in the corner, and some guitars, followed the black trail to the first floor landing with an open mike set up for the echo effect from the higher ceiling whilst Frank’s usual mike covered in a mesh and facing a door way for a better sound pick up. The wires shot straight up the stairs and there in a tiny little room walled with a mattress or two, was a computer screen and two speakers. We sat and listened to five tracks that were either completed, or nearly done, although one still had no lyrics for the last bit, and they RULED! The Lady’s of London Town that we were to clap on is a total storker, and we practiced ‘our’ bit. Ben came back from getting a new guitar, but we wouldn’t let him have a sandwich as we were eager to start recording. So Dani, Rachel and I had all eyes watching Frank’s cue, 8 claps, and then 3 at double speed, then once again, and then stop. Should have seen the looks on our faces with the whole concentration of not wanting to fuck it up! Then ‘shall we do some BV’s’ made for much more excitement, and we ‘nar nar’ed on the end of Father’s Day, and also the last four lines of the cracking song that I can’t bloody remember the name of right now as its 9.20 and I’m due in hospital in one hour so having to scrummage around in my memory now how it went – but we gave it some welly and but needless to say, it ruled! It is going to have more ‘choir’ put over our voices on Friday of boys, including Jamie Rueben, yay. Its sounding fantastic, the whole album is going to rule and anyone who doesn’t buy it will get a curse of the ear drum!!

Rachel was going to sit down and interview Frank for the November issue of Rocksound, which will have some of the happy clappy crowd pictures to go with it! Mr Fats the big gorgeous black cat that lives there was the centre star of a lot of photo’s, he has a great purr, and looks so shiny next to the guitars. There was a pond in the garden with the hugest carp that was around 10yrs old and had been there since tiny. I have forgotten Tenant’s Mum’s name but she was lovely too, telling us all about John Peel sitting in the kitchen we were in interviewing someone by the aga!

We bid adieu at 4pm, and Dani and I came home all yawny and excitable at the same time. Never been actually on an album before, not even credited on any my actual husband did (that’s thanks for you) the first was the Million Dead single Living the Dream, for wearing bunny ears for a day! But that’s another story….

Off to get scanned. x

"Yeaaah - SURE" (wrong words b4 due to mentality problem!!)

2006-09-04T21:16:00.000Z

The phone rang last night quite late, a dear friend from toddler grouping days asked how I was, “have you read the blog?” I asked, “not yet” –“well I just can’t be bothered to tell you how I am so please tell me how you are then read it!” So glad she knows me well enough as we wet ourselves laughing!

I didn’t sleep well, probably over tired, and I had some pains and throbbing going on, so had some extra morphine around 3am attempting to sleep at last, and getting anxious that I wasn’t asleep, but then we all know we get nights like that. When you start a new job or go for a hot date you’re always anxious the night before, and once I was at the hospital I saw Dr Sharma who operated on me three years ago and is the saint of doctors! He put my mind at rest in one sentence and two kisses on each cheek, before I went up for my drip. This took 90 minutes, no side effects except good ones to keep the pain away. Had to find a copy of my discharge letter whilst I was there, as my GP still doesn’t have it, and will now have to go back there again to make sure they are up to date. The letter is probably sitting in some out tray somewhere in St G but I need to get copies to various places.

Came home at went to bed at 3 til 6pm. Felt a lot better we were eating by 6.30, and then the kids could have a relax before getting ready for bed at 9. Popped out to see Suse and Gem then home to put us all to bed. Saskia is looking very down, the prospect of having to get to school without me driving her is probably not making her happy. I’ve obviously treated her like a princess by driving her! Well I wouldn’t enjoy a smelly bus first thing in the morning, and Sas isn’t a morning person either.

Tomorrow I’m going to Oxford to do the next thing on my list – clap hands on a track for Frank’s new album! Yay! Can’t wait!
Found the Tennessee guitarist site www.myspace.com/rodneybranigan and will do my little nagging job this week, once I can brave myspace – sucks you in and you can’t escape for hours, and right now I’m off for another sleep so I can kick ass tomorrow!!!x